Two retired guys sat in their rockers on the porch.

Jack looked over at Bill and said, “You know when I was a kid, my folks always told me to do my best. I’d come home from school with a couple of D’s and F’s on my report card and they asked, “Did you do your best?” And I’d answer, “Yes, I did,” and they said, “Then that’s good enough for us.”

Then I played on a Little League Baseball team and one day I got up to bat with a chance to win the game.”

“How did you do?” asked Bill.

“I struck out and we lost,” said Jack. “After the game, my coach saw me crying and he asked, ‘Jack, did you try your best?’ and I said, “Yes, I did, coach, and he said, ‘Well, that’s good enough for me.’?”

Then, when I was 20 years old, I married Susan. My folks gave me a hundred bucks in a card that said, ‘We wish you all the best.’?”

“And how did that work out?” asked Bill.

“We got divorced three years later. My best wasn’t good enough.”

Bill looked over at Jack. “You making some kind of a point here, Jackie, my friend?”

“I failed at some things in my life, but every time people told me it was OK as long as I did my best. But that can only mean …”

“You’re the best loser at everything,” said Bill with a laugh.

“But there are more stories,” said Jack. “One time I was going to enter a blueberry pie eating contest at a carnival, but just before it started, I saw a poster showing some guy with blueberries smashed all over his face and his white shirt.”

“So what,” said Bill. “How did you do in the contest?”

“I didn’t enter. I walked away. On the bottom of that poster, it said, ‘Make a mess and you’ll be the best.’?”

“Sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a problem,” said Bill.

“Then I got into this big traffic jam driving home. I pulled off the road and asked a guy walking by if there was a good detour to take. He said, ‘Your best bet is to take Route 81.’ And so I did. Took me three hours to get back.”

Bill looked out at the horizon. “Well, Jack, when I was a kid, my mom always told me the best things in life are free. She said you pay nothing for breathing the air, for falling in love, or just going for a nice long walk. Then I grew up and found out that as long as I’m breathing the air, I’ve got to pay taxes. Falling in love cost me a diamond ring, alimony for the ex and child support. The doctor said I should walk more, so I had to buy these special shoes with orthotics. Cost me a hundred and twenty smackeroos.”

Jack smiled. “When I bought my mom a cellphone a year before she died, she said it was the best thing since sliced bread. Got me to thinking, Bill. What’s so difficult about picking up a knife and slicing some bread for yourself?”

Bill laughed. “Well, when I bought this new refrigerator last year, the salesman told me it was the best that money can buy. I had it a week and the damn thing couldn’t keep the food cold. They had to replace the condenser.”

“You know, Bill. I’ve tried my best to plan a good life, but something always seemed to come up and get in the way. Now I just roll with the punches.”

“You know what they say,” said Bill. “The best laid plans …”

“I know. I know,” said Jack. “If you think about it, that word never meets the truth of anything. The other day I ate at the diner and the waitress said they had the best apple pie. Don’t get me wrong. It was good, but I left there thinking how would I know unless I taste every apple pie in the world.”

“Last week, my granddaughter told me some girl named Melissa was her BFF,” said Bill. “I asked her what that meant and she said she and Melissa were “Best Friends Forever,” but just yesterday she said Julia is her BFF now.”

“Maybe it’s best we stop talking about all this and change the subject,” said Jack.

“OK,” said Bill. “So how you been doing since you retired from your job? You were always so busy and now look at all the time you have on your hands.’

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing every day,” said Jack. “You work 45 years and your days are all scheduled out for you, and on the weekends, you’re too tired to want to do anything. Now that I got all this energy back, I get tired of thinking about what I should be doing every day.”

“You know what they say, my friend,” said Bill. “These are supposed to be the best years of our lives.”

Jack nodded. “Well then, if that’s true, the best is yet to come.”

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.