Somebody right now is selling stars in the night sky and acres of land on Mars, and many people are buying.

For each of these purchases, you get a map that delineates your exact property in outer space. Now I know these are just symbolic sales, and I’m fully aware that those who spend anywhere from $35 to $59 for galactical properties purchase them because they think these ideas are creative and “cute.” But still, what an incredible marketing and retail business you have when the consumer is satisfied paying for something he’s never going to get. This conversation I’ve imagined tells you more.

A: I bought a star last year.

B: So how do you know which one is yours?

A: It’s marked by a dot on a piece of paper. I tried to find it with a telescope, but I couldn’t tell my dot from somebody else’s dot.

B: Well, I just bought an acre of land on Mars from the Celestial Real Estate Agency. I got a deed and a location.

A: So if NASA takes you to Mars someday, you can find your property.

B: I’m worried somebody else might settle on my land before I get there and claim ownership and even build a house.

A: You’d better get a “No Trespassing Sign” put there. When NASA takes their first manned flight to Mars, ask the rocket man to take along your sign. Give him your map so he’ll know where to put it.

B: I’d rather have a deed to a piece of land than a dot. I won’t have any neighbors, too. I read somewhere that there are 35 billion acres on Mars.

A: Well you’d better be happy with the cold weather up there. Temperatures run minus 225 degrees every day. Only 35 billion acres on Mars? There are 100 billion stars in the galaxy.

A: Hey wait a minute! Think of what a great gimmick this is. Sell something you don’t own. And you never run out of inventory!

A: You’re right! Maybe we can come up with an idea like that. How about selling clouds?

B: That won’t work. Clouds move. They disappear. Snowflakes would be cool, but they evaporate.

A: We’d have to sell something they can’t reach or see and can never have.

B: How about a slice of heaven? We’d sell them phony tickets which would be exchanged at the Pearly Gates for admission. We could make up a fake legal document that requires the ticket for admission to be placed inside the casket upon death.

A: I like your idea. I hear there are seven levels and three kingdoms in heaven so we could give them the location of the kingdom and the level of where they will live.

B: Yes! The seventh level is the penthouse where God lives. That slice of heaven could be included in our more expensive premium package along with a golden key and a map of God’s kingdom.

A: But maybe we shouldn’t be messing around with making a profit when it includes God. He might get angry and not let us in when we die.

B: Oh, how about we throw in three Forgiveness passes in the premium package? It’s like Monopoly’s “Get out of Jail Free” pass. You can do three bad things that are forgiven with the passes and you still get to keep your slice of heaven. We could even sell additional Forgiveness passes at a separate cost.

A: Would the passes forgive everything? What about murder or rape?

B: Come on! The passes are just part of the whole stupid gimmick we’re selling. Hey how about for additional cost we include a voucher for a scheduled appointment with the Big Man himself?

A: We might get all the church people mad. We might get sued. It’s just wrong to sell something you don’t own. Dumb idea. I’m going home.

B: Going home? I’m sure you have a yard, maybe even a fence around it.

A: Exactly. Why?

B: Well, my friend. You are living in a house on land that was sold by somebody who never had the right to own it or sell it. Who knows how many times that postage stamp sized lot of yours has been bought and sold since the beginning of time?

A: So?

B: Nobody owns the stars, the planets or the earth and that includes that piece of dirt you live on.

Yet, selling something you never owned is an ingenious idea. Low overhead. Minimum investment. It’s a simple but amazing opportunity to make a lot of money with basically no effort.

Hmmm. Maybe I can sell pieces of moon craters. A crater is 12 miles across so a small piece that sells for $29.95 can make me a bunch of Benjamins. The premium package would include an appointment to have a picture taken with the Man in the Moon once we set up colonies there.

I can hear you laughing about this dumb idea. I’ll be laughing, too — all the way to the bank.

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.