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Country wisdom

Published March 05. 2011 09:00AM

I'm not a big fan of country music. But I'm a big fan of country music song titles.

Here are some examples of my favorites, supplied to me by a co-worker who thought they would provide a few chuckles.

While my source tells me these are legitimate song titles, only the true, dyed-in-the-wool country music fans will know for sure.

Do you recognize any of these tunes? Try humming a few bars.

"Get off the Table, Mabel (the $2 is for the beer)."

"I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me."

"I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart."

"Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears."

"My Give-a-Dam's Busted."

"If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen."

"If I Were in Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back to Me."

"Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off."

"All My Exes Live in Texas."

"She Thinks My Tractor is Sexy."

"Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight."

"I Thought She Was Out Jogging, But She Was Running Around On Me."

"Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of your Heart?"

"If the Phone Don't Ring, It's Me Not Calling Your Up."

"All the Guys Who Turn Me On, Turn Me Down."

"I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes, As Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus (Sittin' on the Dashboard of My Car.)"

"I Got in at 2 With a 10, And Woke Up at 10 With a 2."

"If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low."

"Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure."

"I Don't Want Your Body, If Your Heart's Not In It."

"I Just Bought a Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal."

"I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond, and She Clubbed Me With a Spade."

"You're a Cross I Can't Bear."

"How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?"

"I Wish I Were a Woman, (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me.)"

"I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!"

"It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' to Me."

"I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue."

"If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

"Would Jesus Wear a Rolex on His Television Show?"

"I Sent Her Artificial Flowers For Her Artificial Love."

"Mama, Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Pappa's Head)."

"Heaven's Just a Sin Away."

"She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart."

"Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart."

"If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You?"

"Keep Forgetten I Forgot About You."

"Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well."

"I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling."

"Going to Hell In Your Heavenly Arms."

"If Whiskey Were a Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure."

"It ain't Love, But It Ain't Bad."

"Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getten' Better."

"I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom of Your Heart."

And, finally - "If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will."

A Parting shot:

A portion of last week's column dealt with long ago eating establishments in the area, and how we have evolved from a slow cooking to fast food society.

My good friend, Jack Evans, who grew up in Seek, sent along some of his favorite haunts from his younger days. Add these to your list.

Took One's (in Tamaqua) the best hot bologna - 3 pickled eggs for a nickel and a good roast beef sandwich.

Palma Maria in Tamaqua, best hoagie ever created ( God I miss them).

Trudich's, excellent steak sandwich.

Heisler's, can't beat their milkshakes.

Johnny's (Student's) in Lansford, great barbeque.

Anybody else feel like tickling their taste buds?

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