MIND: Alright! I’m going to do this!

BODY: Do what?

MIND: I’m going to walk the 15-mile Appalachian Trail from Palmerton all the way to the Leroy A. Smith Shelter.

BODY: Should I remind you that when you got up off the bed this morning, my back hurt, my knees were stiff, and you had to grab onto the bed post because you couldn’t feel the toes on my feet on your way to the bathroom? And now you want me to take you 15 miles along the Appalachian Trail? We walked from the parking lot to the Jim Thorpe Market yesterday morning and I felt like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz without the oil can.

MIND: Oh, Come on! It won’t be that bad. How about we walk the trail around Recreation Park on 903 for some training? We’ll double the distance each day and by Friday, we’ll be walking 10 times around the park. That should be at least five miles.

BODY: Do I have to think for you now, too? We walk five miles and I’m supposed to be in shape for a 15-mile hike? The Appalachian Trail is no walk in the park! There will be ups and downs for my sore knees to navigate. I’m going to have to lift my feet over rocks and step over tree branches. One trip over a big rock and down we go! Then what? Let’s say there’s nobody around and you can’t get a signal from your cellphone from deep in the woods. My shin bone is screaming. My hand is bleeding and my shoulder is needing some serious medical attention. What are we going to do if we can’t get up?

MIND: That would be bad, but I’ll get one of those bracelets old people wear just in case.

BODY: So, what’s this bracelet going do? Lift me up off the ground?

MIND: It’s the one I’ve seen on TV with the old lady lying on the kitchen floor. She says to the bracelet, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

BODY: Oh, that’ll work just great. We’ll be in the middle of nowhere and you think someone from somewhere is going to get a stress call from a bracelet, come running and find us sprawled on the ground with my face full of dirt, leaves in my mouth, and whatever else the animals leave there when they poop and they pee.

MIND: Yuck! I didn’t think of that. And what if a bear or a snake comes along and we can’t move? Maybe I should take a stick with us so I can beat them back and scare them away.

BODY: You’re going to beat down a bear with a stick while I’m hurting and lying on the ground or you’re going to poke a rattlesnake in the eye while we’re waiting for somebody who might never come. Brilliant! Just brilliant! Have you thought this through, Mr. Mastermind? What if it gets dark and we’re still lying there? By then, you won’t be able feel my legs. You’ll be on my stomach and my breathing will be harder to do. And my bladder will be full with the quart of water you drank that morning.

MIND: Maybe I should wear a diaper if I can’t hold it.

BODY: And the creatures of the night are now out and about. Mountain lions are looking for their dinner. A skunk comes by and sprays us. My nose is burning inside and the stink runs down my throat and my tongue swells up. You’re choking and coughing.

A raccoon finds us and that cute little thing wants to tear my eyes out with his needle- sharp claws. We hear a rattle and behind him it’s that snake you poked in the eye. He’s back and he’s angry. Then my nose picks up this awful smell, like a dead fish that’s been drying in the sun with flies buzzing all around it. It’s that bear you spanked with the stick! I can see his black eyes gleaming through the moonlight. He’s grunting with every step he takes and he’s coming right at us!

MIND: Oh! No! Geez. I’m getting’ scared from you just talking about it!

BODY: My heart is beating like it’s going to burst right out of my chest! You try to take a deep breath, but my lungs are empty of air. The bear comes closer and closer, so close you feel his hot breath on my face. You think this is the beginning of the end. He’ll start by driving his claws like a pitch fork into my shoulder and the pain will shoot right through every inch of me until you scream. That enrages him even more! He opens his mouth and drools on my eyelids. You close my eyes tight and you pray for my heart to stop beating before he rips me apart like I’m a paper doll.

MIND: Oh, no!

BODY: And what if we’re left dead and the trail rangers find us the next morning, pieces of me everywhere. Then they’ll see your diaper full of ...

MIND: Hey! What do you say we move on over to the recliner and watch a movie?

BODY: (cheerfully) OK. My stomach is growling. Bring some chips and soda and those chocolate doughnuts we had for breakfast this morning.

MIND: Let’s watch a comedy or a love story, nothing that takes place outdoors. I need to swing back the recliner. Your back is killing me again. I got to lie down and take it easy. How about halfway through the movie, I get up and get us some ice cream?

BODY: Just be careful. Don’t pull one of my muscles when you get up. I want chocolate with vanilla and put some syrup on them, too!

Rich Strack can be reached at richiesadie11@gmail.com