By Den McLaughlin

Today I give you some words of wisdom.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.”

-?Albert Einstein

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”

-?Mark Twain

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!”

“How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

“I get enough exercise pushing my luck.”

“Death is hereditary.”

“He who laughs last, didn’t get it.”

“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”

“I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older … younger.”

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”

“Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

“Constipated people don’t give a crap.”

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.”

“I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.”

“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.”

“Unicorns ARE real, they’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos.”

“Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?”

“Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.”

“If there is a *WILL*, there are 500 relatives.”

“Half of the people in the world are below average.”

“When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”

“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”

“Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

-?Mark Twain

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”

“If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?”

“Cheese … milk’s leap toward immortality.”

“You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.”

-?Edward Flaherty

“Oh so you think I’m cute when I get angry? Well get ready because I’m about to be GORGEOUS.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”

“Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.”

“The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

Hope you like these “words of wisdom.” Have a wonderful weekend.