Why can't we give people a chance?

At a recent party for one of my clubs, I talked briefly with one of our newer members.She mentioned how impressed she is by the warm welcome she has received from our members."Especially Donna. She's gone out of her way to help me," said the newcomer.But as soon as she voiced that thought, she covered her mouth as if she said something wrong."I'm think I'm not supposed to say anything nice about Donna because it will cause problems for me," she said.I told her she's right about Donna. She's one of the nicest, brightest, most helpful club members. Donna is also someone I'm proud to call a friend."Then why don't some people like her?" asked the new member."Because they haven't taken the time to get to know Donna before they made up their minds," I answered.I'm repeating that little scenario in my column for one reason - it happens all too often. We make up our minds that we don't like someone before we really get to know them.Don't ask me why that happens so often, but it does.Through the years I've observed how wrong initial impressions can be. While not everyone is likable, too often we are turned off by superficial impressions before we really get to know someone. It leaves me wondering why.Why don't we give people a chance?Why don't we take the time to know someone before we write him or her off?Often, worthwhile friendships bloom in what seem like unlikely places when we take the time to know someone.After a 30-year friendship, I sat with my close friend Carol during what turned out to be one of the last times I would see her before ALS took her life.She thanked me for staying by her side throughout life, not just when she got sick. She also admitted something I already knew: Ours was a friendship that almost didn't happen."I watched you walk into our alumni association meeting like you owned the place. It made me think you were someone I never wanted to know," she admitted.We only got to know each other because our daughters were in the same kindergarten class. One day when I went to meet the school bus my daughter got off with Carol's daughter, announcing they were going to play together that day.There was only one problem. Carol would be waiting for the school bus, expecting to see her daughter get off. I put the girls in my car and drove to the bus stop where Carol was frantically wondering what happened to her daughter.Our friendship started that day and bloomed to the point where Carol and I were the closest of friends. We had so many years of laughing together, so many years of sweet, good times.Decades later after I moved away I received the bad news: Carol had Lou Gehrig's disease.With a heavy heart I drove three hours to the nursing home. Even then, we were able to share some laughs as we reminisced about all the adventures we had together.It was a mutually rewarding friendship that never would have happened if we didn't get past negative initial impressions.Perhaps it's human nature to make initial snap judgments about people before we get to know them. I know I am guilty of that at times.A year or so ago I was completely turned off by a woman I'll call Barbara after I saw her exclude a friend of mine from a social gathering. Barbara made plans for everyone to meet at a certain restaurant but told my friend the wrong place.When we got there late, Barbara wasn't happy to see my friend made it after all. And I wasn't happy with the kind of person Barbara appeared to be.But I was wrong about her. When I took time to know her I learned how she takes in troubled teenage boys and helps turn their lives around.I also learned Barbara is a nurse who goes to visits the sick and elderly to help where she can. One woman who needed daily shots said Barbara came to her house every single day for a few months to give her the shots. She wouldn't even take money for gas.In short, Barbara is quite the nice person.I had misjudged her based on my misinterpretation of what I deemed to be her exclusionary behavior.That, I have to admit, is one of my hot buttons. If there's anything that turns me off, it's a person or a group that is exclusionary.I try to stay open to new friendships by avoiding sticking with the same few favorite friends at parties and functions.If we sit with the same people and talk only with the same people, we never get to know anyone new.I belong to one church group that has a wonderful cure for that.At each luncheon, we are given a card then have to search for someone with the matching card. Our match becomes our luncheon buddy.It helps us all get to know each other instead of just our few close friends.I've learned not to judge by appearances and to give people a chance. But on occasion I still misjudge people. How about you?Contact Pattie Mihalik at

newsgirl@comcast.net.