My kitchen countertop has a reserved section for prescription bottles, pills of all colors, shapes, and sizes ready to go to war against enemies that have taken occupation of my body.

With so many doctor’s appointments, I’ve lost a lot of free time that was promised with my retirement. It’s not just the time spent in their offices. I prepare the day before. I set aside mornings and afternoons for my visits. Here’s a conversation I might have with a friend about this dilemma.

“Are you free for lunch tomorrow?” he asked.

“I got a doctor’s appointment.”

“How about next Thursday?”

“Nope. Gotta see my cardiologist.”

“So, tell me when you’ll be free.”

“My calendar is pretty booked for the next two months. I have appointments with my dermatologist, gastroenterologist, hematologist, neurologist, ophthalmologist, rheumatologist and my urologist.”

“Man, you must have a lot of medical problems.”

This is how it works. I go to my family doctor. He says just to be on the safe side, I should get a cardiologist to check my low heart rate. Then he says I should see a dermatologist to check this dark spot I have on my shoulder. He says I should see a gastroenterologist and get a colonoscopy. My blood work was a bit abnormal. Gotta see a hematologist.”

“Is that all?

“No, my eye doctor said I should see an ophthalmologist after I had shingles near my right eye to make sure I won’t need surgery.”

“So, is that all?”

“No, my family doctor recommended I see a neurologist because the shingles caused some nerve damage, and then I have appointment to see a rheumatologist for my arthritis.

“That’s quite a list.”

“Oh, I almost forgot. My PSA number was a little high. I got another appointment in two weeks to see a urologist.”

“Is that finally all of it? Geez, maybe we should schedule lunch sometime next year then.”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that. Once I see all these doctors, they have follow-up appointments. I saw my dentist yesterday. He booked me on a Friday morning early next March. I’m hoping he doesn’t send me to an endodontist.”

“What’s an endodontist?”

“A doctor who does root canals. Drills through your bad tooth to kill the root underneath to stop the pain. You go to him with intense pain and then he inflicts more intense pain on you for a couple hours just so you can feel better.”

“Sounds like fun.”

Then I see my family doctor every six months, too. And I forgot to mention one more. I see a medical marijuana doctor for my spinal stenosis, and he has to renew my prescription every year.”

“You must be full of intolerable aches and pains.”

“Actually, I feel great except when I took the second vaccination shot so I won’t get shingles again. I had side effects with chills and a headache. My blood pressure medicine makes me dizzy, and sometimes the pill I take for my restless legs gives me a bellyache. Come to think of it, I get some kind of side effect from nearly everything I take.”

“I wonder if you stopped taking everything and going to all these doctors you’d feel better than you do now.”

“I can’t take that chance.”

“On second thought, you’re right. If you go cold turkey, you might keel over and die.”

“I watch these commercials on TV and they say ask your doctor about this drug or that drug. So now I’m supposed to think I know more about my health because I watch commercials than my doctor who spent years in medical school.”

“Have you listened to those commercials about all the side effects? One pill can give you constipation or diarrhea. Imagine you get both. First, you can’t go at all and then you gotta go every few minutes. Then they say call your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts. I wonder if he’d pick up the phone at 11 o’clock at night when you’re about to swallow every pill from every bottle. Some of these drugs can cause liver failure, blindness and even death.”

“Yeah, but I don’t see anyone suffering from side effects in those commercials. They’re singing, dancing, smiling, laughing. It’s a spin of the wheel. You have to hope the dial doesn’t land on one of those really bad side effects.”

“That spin of the wheel is like playing Russian roulette. Instead of pulling the trigger on a gun, you’re popping a pill into your mouth hoping it doesn’t kill you.”

“Then there’s this other commercial that says people my age should be careful we don’t lose our minds. They say I should ask my pharmacist about this pill that helps your brain stay healthy.”

“Sounds like a scam to me. ... I’ll tell you’re what’s wrong with you. You’re suffering from doctor-mania.

“What the heck is doctor-mania?”

“You’re addicted to doctors and doctor appointments. If you were perfectly healthy, you’d have no life, nothing to do because you’d have no appointments. You worry about your health too much. If you wake up tomorrow with an ache you have never had before, you will run to the phone to make another doctor appointment.”

“I’m not a hypochondriac. But if I have this doctor-mania, as you say, is there a treatment for that? Maybe I should make an appointment with a psychologist. Maybe he can prescribe a pill to help me get rid of it.”

“It’s not a psychologist you should call. He can’t prescribe you medicine.”

“Well, who then?

“You’re going out of your mind with doctor-mania, so you need to see a doctor, one who’s not an “ologist.” You need help with a mental disorder.

“So, who would that be?”

“You need to see a psychiatrist.”

“I’ll call tomorrow to make an appointment.”

Email Rich Strack at richiesadie11@gmail.com