This is the last Times News that will be published before the start of football season.

I bribed my boss – double scoop of butter pecan from Wood’s Ice Cream in Jim Thorpe – to let me run this preseason rankings column before it became moot. She balked until I said she could have her scoops in a waffle cone.

For those of you who don’t know – and how would you? – I started at the Times News last week in a copy editor role. But, and this is a big but, I helped edit the copy for the football special section so that makes me an “expert.” Or at least someone who knows that Stan Dakosty has been coaching Marian since football was invented.

We’ll call it the DeSchriver Power Rankings (don’t blame me that was the Sports Editor’s idea) and I’ll update it every Friday.

The games kick off at 7 tonight, but the arguing about my rankings starts right now. Tee it up!

No. 9 – Panther Valley

Please Panthers prove me wrong. Nothing would make me happier than getting a win tonight after going 0-8 last year … except a half-price special on The Beaconator at The Beacon Diner in Hometown.

No. 8 – Lehighton

The Indians open tonight against Palmerton, a rivalry that dates back to the Lehigh Valley League. That was a league where Palmerton and Lehighton would have to take the cantilever to play at Emmaus, Catasauqua, Whitehall and Northampton. (After more than 35 years in journalism I finally get to use the word cantilever in a column).

No. 7 – Marian

Oh no, I’m not saying anything bad about Stan the Man and his Colts. I went to Catholic school for two years and “fondly” remember crossing the nuns. I’m all in for Marian winning every game by 80 points.

No. 6 – Pleasant Valley

The Bears open at East Stroudsburg North tonight. And by north, I mean pack a suitcase, passport and thermals. Unless half the team jumps off the bus to hike the McDade Trail in the national recreation area, the Bears will have an enjoyable, and very long, bus ride home.

No. 5 – Tamaqua

Tamaqua’s mayor is Nathan Gerace and the borough has a population of almost 7,000 … Ok, so I didn’t edit the Blue Raiders’ preview story, but a guy at Leiby’s told me they were going to be good because his wife’s uncle’s second cousin is a standout on the offensive line.

No. 4 – Jim Thorpe

If the football team can mimic the coolness of this borough, they’ll be No. 1 by season’s end. They also have a great nickname going for them, so hopefully …

No. 3 – Palmerton

If the Blue Bombers can run the table this year I’ll buy the offensive line all the pizza it can eat at Tony’s Pizza … wait, I remember how much I could eat as a teenager and I was a skinny runt.

No. 2 – No.Lehigh

So, by picking the Bulldogs No. 2 you probably figured out that Northwestern Lehigh is No. 1.

Here’s why. The rule is always pick a directional team when things are close. North-Western has two directions in its name to just one for North-Ern Lehigh. Also, I’m pretty sure a Tiger can whip a Bulldog every time.

No. 1 – Northwestern

See above.

Enjoy tonight’s games, but if you decide to put off football for a week and go to the West End Fair, I highly recommend the funnel cake.