Although we got a break this week with the winter weather we've been having, I thought some Irish jokes might brighten your Saturday.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little guy, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in you hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner. And a thing of beauty she was, but she was useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heaves," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Maley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
It was terrible Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim, did he at least go quickly?", Brenda asks.
"Well Brenda ... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!"
Hope they help your day go better.