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Where we live: Some Irish humor

Published December 15. 2018 07:50AM

by dennis mclaughlin

We Irish don’t mind a little fun thrown at us, or about us. So today some Irish jokes to brighten the holiday season. These come thanks to the Arizona Cap Company website. Hope you enjoy.

• • •

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O’Leary asked a stewardess, “How high is this plane, Miss?” The stewardess replied, “About thirty-two thousand feet, Father.” The Father’s jaw dropped in amazement. “Who’d have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?”

• • •

O’Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his present trimmee about the price of barbers’ services. “I tell you, O’Rourke, these New York barbers got a stranglehold on the citizens. I was in London just last week, and you charge me half again what they charge there.” “That may be true, Sir,” said the Irishman, “but think of the airfare.”

• • •

Newly arrived in Boston from the old country, Paddy O’Shea called his brother back home. “Sean, it’s amazin’, these American cities. On most every street, they got glass outhouses, and it’s telephones they put in ’em!”

• • •

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy, “Jeez, that looks like Sean,” to which Paddy replied, “No, Sean was taller than that.”

• • •

What do you call a big Irish spider? Paddy-long-legs.

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Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign that read TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”

• • •

An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him. “I’ll see, sir,” said the clerk. “What is your name?” “You’re having me on now because I’m Irish,” said the Irishman. “Won’t you see the name on the envelope?”

• • •

Upon seeing his son’s black eye, Murphy asked him, “how’d ye be comin’ by that glorious black eye, me lad?” His son shook his head and replied, “’Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly’s house, dancin’ with the lovely lass, when her father walked in.” “An’ old Master Callahan is thinkin’ that dancin’ is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?” “Na, na, Father. The old man’s deaf, an’ couldn’t hear th’ music.”

• • •

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy, who was sitting behind Seamus on the bike, began to holler … “Seamus … Seamus … the wind is cutt’n me chest out!” “Well, Paddy my lad,” said Seamus, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back … that’ll block the wind for you.” So Paddy took Seamus’ advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy, who was sitting on the ground. “T’anks be to heaven, is he all right?” Seamus hailed to the farmers. “Well,” said one of the farmers, “ he was all right when we found him here … but since we turned his head back to front … he hasn’t said a word since!”

• • •

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?” Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.” His friend asked, “Shure, and what d’ye mean by that?” Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see … I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another … it was neither of us.”

• • •

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What’s your name and address?” “I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.” The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. “I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

• • •

And finally, may good luck be your friend in whatever you do and may trouble be always a stranger to you.

Hope you enjoy a happy holidays.

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