Stephen Wright is an American comedian and a master of one-line jokes. Here’s a mock interview. I ask the questions. His answers are actually quotes from many of his comedy shows.

Q: Is it true that you don’t like cats?

SW: They say curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.

Q: Is it true you once left a diner because you didn’t get what you wanted to eat?

SW: Well, they said you could have breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Q: Did you really play poker with Tarot cards?

SW: Yes. I got a full house and four people died.

Q: Did you ever own a pet?

SW: Yes. I poured spot remover on my dog one day and now he’s gone.

Q: What would you say to a lonely person?

SW: If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments.

Q: What advice would you give to parents?

SW: Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Q: Have any recent weird thoughts?

SW: This one. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too? Here’s another thought that bothers me. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Q: You live in an apartment building. Make any alterations?

SW: I bought a skylight. Now the people who live above me are furious.

Q: Does anything else really bother you?

SW: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Q: What advice would you give to someone who needs money?

SW: Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.

Q: Is it true that the early bird gets the worm?

SW: That may be true, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Q: Have you ever been really afraid?

SW: Yes, but I wonder what happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Q: Why do you think so many people are born stupid?

SW: The problem with the gene pool is there is no life guard.

Q: Do you drive a car?

SW: I took it in for repairs and my mechanic told me, “I couldn’t fix your brakes so I made your horn louder.”

Q: So your dog ran away. Did you get another one?

SW: Yes I did. I named him Stay. Now when I say, “Come Stay; come Stay,” he takes two steps forward and one step back.

Q: Are you in a relationship?

SW: I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Q: What’s your viewpoint of the difference between men and women?

SW: If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Q: What’s your thoughts about technology?

SW: I have only one. If we can measure the speed of light then what’s the speed of dark?

Q: Do you have any goals you want to achieve?

SW: I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Q: Do you have any hobbies?

SW: I do, but there’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Q: What’s your opinion about materialism?

SW: You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Q: I understand you are also a writer? Do you concern yourself about grammar?

SW: I use the dictionary, but if there’s a word in there that’s misspelled, how would we know?

Q: Did you ever meet an attractive woman in a bar?

SW: I did. I asked her, “Do you live around here often?”

Q: You must travel a lot.

SW: I do. One time I stayed in a really old hotel and they sent me a wake- up letter.

Q: Do you play a musical instrument?

SW: I play the harmonica, but the only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window.

Q: You ever break the law?

SW: I was arrested for lip syncing karaoke.

Q: What’s your favorite beverage?

SW: I drink tea, but I wonder, do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Q: It must take a lot of courage for you to stand on a stage and tell jokes.

SW: Actually, I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Q: Were you a good student in school?

SW: My teachers told me that practice makes perfect and then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. Math was my worst subject but I’m OK with that because five out of every four people have trouble with fractions.

Q: Do you have any questions for me?

SW: Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny? How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Q: Did you ever think of getting a real job?

SW: I saw a sign at a gas station that said, “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below that said, “Self-Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. Then I quit.

Q: Any final thoughts?

SW: When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I had no fingerprints. And speaking of final thoughts, I’m going to live forever. So far so good. If I do die, I’m going to donate my body to science fiction.

Rich Strack can be reached at richiesadie11@gmail.com