When do you stop being a parent?

Of course most people know the answer is never.

We never stop being a parent.

From the time we have children we are forever connected to each child.

We are responsible for parenting that child, providing safety and comfort and helping that child grow.

The question is, when does active parenting end?

Does it ever end? Should it?

These are issues every parent has to decide.

For some, it’s an easy decision.

My friend Suzanne has four children. As each one turned 18 and graduated from high school, she told them they were adults now. They are on their own. No more help from Mom and Dad. No more support or guidance.

They needed to learn to make their own decisions, mistakes and all.

I just about choked on my breath when she said that.

Suzanne said there comes a time when a parent has to let go.

That’s totally true.

Suzanne seemed not to taper off parental guidance. She totally turned it off.

When her son didn’t get his college application in on time, she said that was his problem, not hers. She said he would learn from it.

I’m positive I would have done some nagging about deadlines.

I didn’t entirely let go when my daughters graduated from high school.

I continued to give them guidance whenever I could.

I believe a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. I did, indeed try to steer them away from what seemed like it would harm them.

It was only when they finished college and had children of their own that I stopped giving any input.

I especially didn’t offer any child raising advice because right from the start they instinctively seemed to do a commendable job with their kids.

I did have to shut my eyes and my mouth at some of their decisions.

For instance, as toddlers Andrea’s children were never told don’t play with the expensive cameras that she used for work. That was especially true for the computer and elaborate home theatre electronics .

There was no such thing as hands off. As a result, even before she was three years old little Sophie was much more proficient with technology than I am today.

My daughters and I adapted the practice you can give input but you can’t vote. Meaning, there comes a time when trying to steer or guide their action is wrong.

I always thought it was a balancing act between giving guidance and knowing when not to.

In one sense maybe Suzanne was right.

Kids learn faster when they make their own mistakes.

I recall all the times when I asked my father’s opinion on something because I wanted his input.

He usually just said, “You’re a smart woman. You’ll figure it out on your own.”

I remember when I wanted and needed his guidance when I was buying my first car. I asked him to come with me so I wouldn’t make a mistake.

He wouldn’t go with me. Instead, he just gave his typical response: I’m a smart woman. I can figure it out on my own.

So I went into our local Studebaker dealership and saw a bright red Studebaker Lark. The only logic behind my selection was that it was eye catching and a bit smaller.

I bought it, even though it was a straight shift and at the time I didn’t know how to drive it.

How smart was that?

There was a bit of grinding gears as I drove it home. But of course l learned quickly after I had to wince a few times at the sound of grinding gears.

It turned out I loved a straight shift because I thought it gave me more control, especially in bad weather.

When I watch my daughter Andrea with her three children I think she does a much better job than I ever did.

She never tries to tell them what to do, not even with subtlety. She respects their decisions even when they differ from what she would have wanted.

As a result she and her husband have raised three independent kids who have grown into wise adults.

I note that she and her husband still give input and guidance on very rare occasions. But then it’s up to their kids whether or not to heed their advice.

Yet, when l look around at some parent-child relationships it almost seems like child abuse to let kids stumble into bad decisions.

One couple with a “hands off attitude” of child raising sit back while their two teenagers get involved in drugs, both using and selling, and multiple sex partners with relative strangers.

Their mother tells me “kids will be kids. They will straighten out as they get older,” she says.

Plus, she insists that trying to curb her kids’ behavior will only result in major fights with no good outcome.

“No one wants to be told what to do,” says my friend Suzanne.

Being a parent requires a lifetime balancing act, that’s for sure.

We all have our opinions on what works and what is best when it comes to parental guidance.

So. What’s your opinion on all this?

Did you raise your kids the same way you were raised?

What worked for you and what would you change, if you could?

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net