Everybody wants my money.

I should give it all away so they stop bothering me for it. Every single day I get texts, emails and phone calls asking for money. The next time I get that call from that somewhere in Louisiana, I’m going to say, “Let’s get past the reason you want my money. How much do you need and where do I send it? Would a thousand bucks be enough?”

The other day I got an email saying, “Coming soon - a new way to invest your money. We are broadcasting live from San Francisco; just click to attend the Zoom event.” That’s it. No company or business name, just a note urging me to invest in something I know nothing about. I should pledge a hefty amount of coin to this nobody from nowhere with a note saying that if it makes any investment interest, then keep that for yourself, too. That would then mean I’d have even more money to give away and I can’t have that.

It cost me 50 bucks to fill up my gas tank today. I’m going to spend all day driving to nowhere and back until I have to keep filling up the tank again and again. Apparently, the big oil companies need money more than I do, those poor souls. They should raise the price to 10 bucks a gallon. After all, they do provide us a wonderful service.

The next thing I’ll do is send a couple hundred bucks to politicians who want campaign donations. Just for fun, I’ll give money to two candidates who are opposing each other in the election because I don’t give a flyin’ flipperini who wins.

While I’m still in the charitable mood, I’ll send a couple of Benjamins to the Save the One-Eyed Purple People Eaters Foundation. I have no clue what that is and I don’t care to find out, but it must be important so I’ll part with a stash of my cash so maybe the poor creature can get himself another eye.

I got a confirmation just now that I was approved for a home security system I had never asked about. All I have to do is pay thousands of dollars for the system and I get a free doorbell with a camera. That’s cool. I wonder if I pay them twice the money they want, I’ll get two free doorbells. Then I would give one away.

I’ve still got money left. Maybe I should take out an ad that would read something like this. “Free money to everyone who asks for it. Any denomination requested will be 100 percent fulfilled. Take some. Take it all.”

I want to pay more to my electric company. They were just approved for a 39 percent increase. They deserve at least that because they do a great job lighting up my world. In fact, I’ll send a nice bonus check to whoever runs the company and tell him that I hope he has enough now to buy a private island off the coast of Tahiti.

While I’m thinking of it, I’ll send a couple thousand to the Pennsylvania Turnpike CEO for giving me permission to drive on his road. He must need a lot of money, too. I think the people who run the electric company and the turnpike should show pictures of themselves on billboards everywhere. I bet they look really poor and maybe they’re even homeless because they keep needing more money from me every year.

When I get my tax bill, I’m going to pay three times the amount. They don’t charge me enough, and look at all the great services our taxes pay for. I hope if they reassess my house, they’ll find I owe them more than I pay now.

I’d like to give mucho dinero to the nursing home that will have to take care of me. I’ll sign over the deed to my house to them too so whoever runs the place has a nice, free house to live in while I’ll probably be sharing a small room with somebody who moans and groans all night long when I’m trying to fall asleep.

I think I’ll send some greenbacks to help out the guy who owns all the Dollar Stores. We need more than just the three stores that are going to be within a few miles on Route 903. I’d like to see about 10 of them lined up in a row so if one is out of Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts, I just have to walk a few steps until I find one that has them.

It looks like Walmart could use a few more of my dollars, too. I have to drive 20 miles to their nearest store. I hope they can build a new store near me and I’ll help pay for enough workers to operate all 15 of their checkout registers.

Here’s a revolutionary idea that would help the CEOs of stores like Walmart make more money. Fire everyone in the store. Let customers like me come in to buy something, but first, make us unload the trucks that carry the products we want. Then have us stock the shelves with those products before we take what we want to buy to the self-checkout register. No overhead costs will bring more money to Mr. Walmart and then he can buy the private island next to the one the electric company boss owns.

When my last red cent is given away, I’ll finally have peace of mind, but I’d better save a few dollars just in case they figure out a way to charge me for the free air that I breathe. I breathe a lot every day so that’s going to be costly.

When I’m almost broke and can’t breathe the air anymore, I hope they bury me with my cellphone in case a telemarketer calls to sell me a Lifetime, sorry, a Deathtime Casket Protection Warranty. Maybe I can make time payments because time is all that I’ll have left.

Rich Strack can be reached at richiesadie11@gmail.com.