It was just a matter of time before I charged into your life. I brought along a promise to give you the world at your fingertips. If you want to know more about what I can offer, step into my library of unlimited possibilities and I will spin your head around like a whirling top.

I’m like the old-time traveling medicine man who sells you his tonic, but you won’t have to come to my horse and wagon. I’ll move into your home and I’ll stay with you long after your grandma and your pooch die. One day, you’ll move up to the top of my class and get the Rolls-Royce model of me instead of the Toyota.

I come with plenty of bells and whistles. If it’s something you want to buy, I’ll get it for you and you’ll never have to lift your butt off the couch. You need to talk to someone from Egypt? No problem, but don’t flush the toilet until you’re done with your chit chat. That’s just a sign of respect when exchanging pleasantries while you’re sitting on the throne and talking to someone from the other side of the world.

If you have kids at home. I will be the seductive drug they can’t resist. One by one, they’ll soon be addicted to me for a lifetime with no rehab available. Once I seduce them, good luck trying to get their attention. Don’t be surprised when you ask a question and minutes later, you get a “huh?” for a reply.

I’ll grab all your kids by their eyes and then by their brains. If you want to keep your youngest away from me, it won’t work. Your boy will plead with you to buy me for him and your little girl will whine for me, too. So, here I come, gift wrapped under the Christmas tree or that’s me right next to the birthday cake.

Your kids will love you and thank you, but after that, they will love me more. You see, I command their total attention and devotion. When Tommy comes to the dinner table, he’ll bring me with him. When Susie sits gets in the car, she’ll take me out to play. You might win the battle and have me put away for a while, but I’ll win the war. You will eventually surrender and give in to the persuasion, “if I can’t beat ’em, I might as well join ’em.”

Soon, you’ll be that family who sits at that restaurant table with all eyes lowered upon me, all mouths silent, totally consumed by nothing important. You’ll barely lift up your heads when the waitress comes by to take your order.

And I know all the warnings about you losing your social skills if you tickle my tonsils too much. They say you’ll be uncomfortable looking into another person’s eyes when he’s speaking to you. Who cares? I am the King of Your Confidence, the Wizard of Your Words and the Admiral of Your Attitude. Don’t bother with any of that person to person convo. Let me be your Captain Courageous. Click my keys and you can say anything you want to anybody you want without the hassle of being anywhere near them.

You want to break off your engagement to be married? I can do that for you. No tears. No pain. Fire out your message from me. Done. You want to give your gratitude to the 30 people who came to your retirement dinner? Don’t bother wasting time writing all those thank-you notes. I’ll do it. Tap me a “send all” and I’ll thank them all.

Scientists say that if you interact with me too much, your brain will be fried with disease that comes from the little engine that keeps me running. They say the future of this world will be filled with empty-headed zombies with no ability to think for themselves. Don’t believe any of that. I hold all the information doctors will need to cure anything that makes you sick.

So, if you are not already one of my soldiers, join my army now. Become the woman in the doughnut shop looking down at me in her hand while that handsome guy walks out of her world before the two of them could meet and fall in love. Be that teenager who walks alone on the side of the road with his eyes glued onto my face while trying to look cool and important. Be the young man who tries to make up with his girlfriend after she ding dings me to continue their fight from last night.

It’s all good. The doughnut girl doesn’t need the problems with having a relationship that will end with her having a broken heart. I’ll walk on the side of the road with that teenager every day. Nobody else will do that. So, what if his girlfriend dumps him. I can deliver him hundreds of new girlfriends and followers into the privacy of his bedroom and he’ll never have to open the door to let them in.

You can’t trust anyone like you can trust me. I’m your best friend and I’ll always be there for you like I am right now. Go ahead and tell everyone that you’re happy to own me.

But if the truth be told, it’s me who owns you.

Rich Strack can be reached at richiesadie11@gmail.com.