When I gave a talk to a women’s church group about the sacredness of marriage, I used my own marriage as an example.

I told them that while I’ve always been a prayerful person, that intensified when I married David.

“I spend a lot of time on the knees thanking God for bringing David into my life,” I told them.

“Then there are the times I’m throwing my hands up in the air, saying, “Why me Lord? Why me?”

The women laughed because they recognized what is essentially the pattern of many marriages.

If one is honest, no marriage exists without conflict of some kind. It’s how we handle the conflict that makes all the difference in the world.

A while back I took a class on conflict resolution. What they taught was especially helpful in marriage as well as on the job. While some of the techniques were common sense, I think all participants walked away with a better sense of how to successfully resolve conflict without hard feelings.

In other words, it’s not about winning a dispute. It’s about paving the way for a better relationship. That’s certainly important in marriage.

Ever since taking the class, I’ve been careful not to use inflammatory words in trying to resolve as conflict. Words like “wrong” and “It’s your fault” are judgmental and do nothing to advance your cause.

We were told to use “I words,” not phrases like, “You always do that.” I words focus on your feelings, not an attack on the other person.

Some people resort to yelling to make a point. When the other person doesn’t see their viewpoint, they yell louder. That never resolves anything because we hear the loud voice, not the message.

Words are weapons. They can wound or they can soothe. Which would you rather?

I recently listened to a talk given by Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages.”

He made the point that when couples are dating they shower each other with flattering words. They often mention what they love about their sweetheart, complimenting how they look and the pleasing things they do.

Chapman says that doesn’t continue after years of marriage.

Maybe it’s because couples start to take each other for granted.

Maybe it’s because the problems and stresses of life divert attention away from pleasing a spouse.

Whatever the cause, we tend to stop our loving behavior.

“When was the last time you said “I love you” to your partner?” Chapman asked.

His next question: “When was the last time you paid a sincere compliment to your spouse? When was the last time you noticed and mentioned all the little things your spouse does for you?”

As I listened to the broadcast, I thought David and I have no problem with the questions. We both are quick to share things we appreciate in each other. We definitely do it own a daily basis.

The other night when we went out for dinner on David’s birthday, there was a torrential rain as we were leaving the restaurant without an umbrella. But instead of making a wild dash for the driver’s seat, David took time to open the passenger door for me, the same way he always does.

I told him how I appreciate that about him.

He often tells me how much he appreciates the warmth and spark I bring to each of his days.

Chapman asked listeners to take a secret 30-day challenge. He challenges us to give our partner loving compliments for 30 days in a row.

But we weren’t to mention we were doing it as part of Chapman’s challenge or it wouldn’t have the fullest effect.

Oh, that’s easy, I thought. I’m sure David and I already do that. But then Chapman gave the second part of the challenge. For 30 days we were not to say to others one negative thing about our partner. Don’t share anything that would put your partner in a negative light.

Well now, that’s harder for me. I sometimes tell my best friend about my frustration with David’s meddling in my kitchen.

For instance, when I was gone he went into my cupboard and threw away several good casserole dishes, thinking there was no reason to have more than one or two. He doesn’t understand recipes call for specific sizes based on how much you’re making.

I had to go out and buy new replacements.

He’s a minimalist and likes what I view as empty cupboards. I tell him to go clean the garage and leave my kitchen things alone.

But a few weeks later he took every pot and pan out of the cabinets and lined them up in single file on the floor.

He said I have too many and should give some to Goodwill. I actually started praying out loud to keep from screaming.

Of course I shared my frustration with my daughters and best friend.

Well, that means I flunked the 30-day challenge.

I’m trying all over again but I think I’ll flunk again because now he’s throwing out my plastic containers.

How about you? Can you succeed in the 30-day challenge?

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.