When a woman I regarded as a close friend let me down by not being there for me when I was dealing with a family crisis, I was hurt … so hurt that I wanted to back away from our friendship.

It’s hard when we realize a friendship we value isn’t a two-way street. Over the years I had spent long hours listening to her problems and trying to help her in various ways.

Yet when I told her how worried I was about a very serious family health crisis, she didn’t respond at all. Not one word. Instead, she talked about the great sailing trip she enjoyed over the weekend with her husband.

You might have run into a situation like that, because with some people, it’s all about them.

My first inclination was to tell my friend I was disappointed she wasn’t there for me.

But sometimes it’s better to swallow your tongue and just walk away. Walking away isn’t in my nature. It’s something I’m learning late in life.

I couldn’t talk about my feelings to my fickle friend because we both are part of a larger group of close friends. I didn’t want to cause strife in the circle of friends that mean something to me.

I’m an open person and I am normally open about my feelings. I often find talking things out avoids misunderstanding. After giving it some thought, I thought it might make things worse.

One cannot define friendship for someone who doesn’t seem to get it.

Finally, I found my answer. It certainly was one I didn’t expect to ever embrace.

My answer was to love the offender the best I can, not resent her.

I did that by accepting she was doing the best she could, just as all of us do the best we can.

I had expectations that she would be there for me. But we have to accept that friends don’t always live up to our expectations.

Then what do you do?

Write off that friend? Or just expect less from her?

When I managed to replace my negative feelings for her with positive ones, my own inner peace returned. I have to admit it wasn’t easy. But the more I let go of my negative feelings the better I felt.

Instead of dwelling on resentment and nursing my grudge, I used that space in my mind for more constructive thoughts, thinking about our group in general and how well we worked together.

As a result, there was a positive effect that made it be better for both of us as well as for others in the group.

There’s an adage that says when one person in a group changes, the group will also change. The same thing is true of dissension. If there is strife between any two group members, it can affect the entire group.

Sometimes, the answer to our problem with someone else is an attitude adjustment. Our own attitude, that is.

I went to a seminar where the speaker told us if we are having difficulties with someone, first look in the mirror. Examine the situation for ways you are at fault.

Sometimes we pray for God to change someone when we are the one who needs a bit of change, he stressed.

It’s so easy to focus on the faults of someone else. The more we do that, the bigger the issue grows in our mind.

What isn’t easy is to examine our role in the relationship. Too many times we hold ourselves blameless.

I realized I was expecting too much from the friend.

There’s an adage that says we cannot give what we do not have.

I wanted my friend to have empathy when I was going through a hard time instead of focusing on herself. I realize she has many good points. Being empathetic is not one of them.

She was not put on this earth to live up to my expectations. Just because she didn’t, that doesn’t make her a bad person.

As my resentment faded, I began seeing things to admire in the woman. It got to the point where I felt peace when I was around her.

When we change our attitude toward a person or a problem, we can change the way it affects us. I was happy to find myself at peace and quite happy while working alongside of her.

There was a totally unexpected ending to this saga.

As we were leaving a committee meeting, my self-centered friend stopped me to say she wanted to tell me how much she admired how I am always positive and how I always stuck by her.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend,” she said.

I was thankful then that I didn’t make a big deal out of my disappointment in her. Sometimes when we give in to temptation and run off at the mouth we make matters worse.

At any rate, I was glad I didn’t let my disappointment in her grow into something bigger.

Years ago my mouth might have been in gear before my brain thought better of it. The older I get, the more I’m learning that old trick of holding my tongue.

Sometimes talking things over is the solution.

Other times restraint works better.

The trick is knowing which option is best for any given circumstance.

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.