How well do you know your parents?

You may think that’s a dumb question. Of course you know your parents, you say.

My contention, and that of countless others, is we seldom know all we want to know about our parents until they are gone.

Then, something pops up in your mind and you want to ask mom or dad to tell you about the past that is forever gone. But they are too, so you’ll never be able to ask.

My advice: Ask them now. Before it’s too late.

I listened this week to a radio show that asked this question: What do you wish you would have asked your parents?

What I wish is that I would have used the same interview techniques with my parents that I use when I do an in-depth interview.

What I do is ask a question, listen carefully to the answer, then ask another related question to delve more. Normally I spend two or three hours doing an in-depth interview until I’m sure I’ve gotten “the essence” of a person. When you listen carefully you can get a good sense of the person you’re interviewing.

Why did I never think of doing that with my mother?

Now that she’s gone I find myself wondering exactly how she managed to survive when her father kicked her out of the house at the tender age of 10. I know the bare facts that emerged when I badgered her to know why she revered her mother but had nothing but hostility toward her father.

I liked my grandfather and had fun spending time with him. But my mother assured me the grandfather I knew wasn’t the same cruel man of her childhood.

She gave me a few bare facts.

But she never talked about her feelings. She was always focused on the present and seldom talked about her past. And I must have been too focused on myself to ask what I should have.

Most of us learn about our family through the stories we hear growing up. My father was a great storyteller and I learned much about him and his tough life by listening to those stories.

When he told me about having to quit school in fifth grade to help his older brothers operate their independent mine, I asked enough questions to get the details. His job at 10 was to load burlap bags with coal then to stand at the highway selling the coal.

He never told a “pity me” story. Instead, he laughed at what he called his young adventures. He always thought he had a good life.

I regret that my grandchildren never got to know that just two generations ago life was all about surviving.

They know next to nothing about their incredible great-grandparents. They also know little about me and their other grandparents.

I want them to know I wasn’t always an old grandmother. Two years ago I started the tradition of going to lunch with my grandsons and exchanging stories. I think they learned a few surprising things about me.

But then along came COVID-19, putting an end to our get-togethers.

A few of my writing friends are using their social isolation to write their personal stories to pass along to children and grandchildren.

For those who don’t have any idea of how to start making a memory book, commercial companies sell blank books that ask questions to prod your memories. There is space for you to write and to paste in photos.

While some find that helpful, I think the oral tradition of passing along family information by telling stories is often easier … provided someone makes a record of it.

When my stepfather asked for my help in filling out a form that called for his detailed job history, it was the perfect time for me to learn things about him I never knew.

Ziggy was a quiet man who didn’t talk about himself. But when he started taking about his Army experiences, I was amazed at how much I learned about that good man.

My sister Cindy, who’s 18 years younger than I am, tells me she knows next to nothing about her dad because “he didn’t talk much.” She said she didn’t even know he was in the Army.

I think that’s more common than we believe because many people don’t talk about their past unless they are specifically asked.

That’s the solution: Ask more. Ask while you can.

And if you have old family photos, share them now while you can.

A relative just sent me an email asking me if I had any photos of her mother that I could share. Her mother was heavy and always refused to have her picture taken. I sent her photos of me with her mother but I was a young girl at the time so that will tell you how old those photos were.

On a social media site another woman asked if anyone had any information to share about her mother who had passed away years ago. I wrote to tell her that her mother was the most popular girl in high school and shared some high school stories.

Once someone passes away, all their stories are irretrievable. But one family story passed along can become priceless.

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.