By Pattie Mihalik

Social distancing means I no longer see some of my friends, so I try to keep in touch via telephone.

When I called my friend Ann, she said more than COVID-19 has uprooted her life.

Serious back surgery brought even more challenges than she anticipated.

While she knew rehab would be hard, what she didn’t expect was how hard everyday life would be once she was home.

Like many women of our generation, Ann handled all the cooking and home maintenance without giving it a second thought.

“It’s what we as women do,” she said. “We take care of our husband and our family.”

But what happens when a woman has health issues and can no longer do that?

“I didn’t expect to be flat on my back unable to get around while I waited for another surgery.” she said. “And I didn’t realize my husband would have such a hard time trying to do anything in the kitchen. “

Because she is much younger than her husband, who has had his own share of health issues, Ann has been the one to nurse him. She took care of everything in the home. She was more than chief cook and bottle washer. She was the only cook.

Both Ann and I are about the same age, and we both are of the generation where men were the providers and women cooked and took care of the home. We saw how our mothers managed a household and we tried to do the same thing.

But even in cases like that, most men can function enough to cook some things, even if it’s just bacon and eggs.

When I needed surgery, my husband had no problem taking care of me as well as taking over in the kitchen.

During my long marriage to Andy, we had the traditional roles many of our generation had. My job was the home; his job was providing. We didn’t question it because that’s just the way things were back then.

When Andy and I were married I told him it’s a tradition in our family for the men to make the labor-intensive Italian wedding soup. That wasn’t quite true, but he accepted the challenge and became the best wedding soup maker in the family.

While I did the rest of the cooking, he could manage quite well when he had to.

Ann’s husband was absolutely lost. “I joke that I had to draw him a map so he could find the stove,” Ann quips.

I was so sorry the couple had all that added pressure on them but didn’t call any of us for help. We would have been glad to take turns bringing meals or at least picking up takeout.

Ann said she didn’t realize before her surgery how her marriage operated under specific gender expectations.

Happily, strict adherence to gender expectations started to disappear with my daughter’s generation. I do have to admit many women still feel like they do more than their husbands do to keep the household running.

My husband came from a home where the mother did all the child care, and that’s what he expected in our home. That was no problem with me because being with my daughters was always a joy.

I used to feel sorry for Andy when he went to work while I could take our daughters on outings or to the community swimming pool. I thought he was missing out on the fun.

When I talk to older guys who left child care to their wives, they admit they wish they had spent more time with the kids.

But they were the providers. We women were the caregivers.

A few weeks ago we had the pleasure of hosting my husband’s grandson and his family for a few days.

Baby Luca is 4 months old and both parents respond equally to his needs. There is no such thing as “it’s your job” because both parents delight in every minute they can spend with Luca.

I got a close-hand look at parenting today without expectations of gender roles.

David, the baby’s father, has to go to Japan on business for a month. He’s trying to arrange to take his wife and baby with him because he says a month is too long not to be with them.

If Luca cried as we were sitting down to eat, David was just as likely as his wife to reach for the baby.

While I never minded gender roles in my marriage, I think today’s young couples are much smarter than we were.

They decide who does what based on way more than gender. Often, the couple decides the one best suited to the task should be the one to do it.

My first husband Andy insisted he handle all the finances because he viewed it as “a guy’s job.” But truth be told, I was always a much better money manager and absolutely a better saver.

When he had a stroke at 54, I had no idea if we had a mortgage or how to go about paying it. It was one area where as a couple we were hurt by gender roles.

Do you think times have changed so much when it comes to the roles of husbands and wives?

What do you see as the most positive generational change?

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.