What will life be like in the “new normal” after somebody named Paul RevereAllClear rides through the streets on his black stallion shouting, “COVID is gone! COVID is gone!”

Let’s see what two guys named Barry and Larry have to say.

Barry: I just called for a haircut appointment. I got Nov. 18 at 6 a.m.

Larry: Why 6 a.m.?

Barry: He’s got so much hair to cut, he opens that early. Some guys tried to book twice so they can get in when their hair grows back after the first cut, but he’s not allowing that. Oh, his haircuts now cost $49. He’s gotta make up for all the lost money.

Larry: Yeah? Well, a burger at Joe’s Grill went from $8.95 to 15 bucks for the same reason. You want lettuce, add 50 cents; onion, 75; ketchup, 25; cheese a buck fifty; and fries are an extra $6.

Barry: I’m surprised he doesn’t hit you up extra for the bun.

Larry: You want the bun, too? That’s a buck. One with sesame seeds is another quarter. A guy I know came out of Joe’s the other day. He and his wife ate two deluxe cheeseburgers with fries, drank two beers at eight bucks a pop and shared a chocolate pudding for dessert. Cost him $68.50 before tip.

Barry: Geez. Tip on that brings the damage to …

Larry: The tip is already on the bill figured in at 25 percent. The waitresses gotta get theirs too, you know. The total was 85 something.

Barry: My neighbor called a plumber to fix a leak in his shower. The guy charged him 200 bucks just to step in the house. Then he’s on the clock for 125 an hour.

Larry: Yikes! The wife and me took the grandkids to the township pool the other day. Cost 400 for a family membership. Two guests cost me an extra Ben Franklin. They make everybody wear masks until you go in the water. So it’s 90 degrees and little Jamie’s not feeling good lying on the blanket in the sun wearing her mask. The next thing I hear is her gagging. She threw up right into her own face. Almost started a chain reaction of upchucking all around the pool.

Barry: My wife went to the DMV last Friday. Picture this scene. You got people from the last four months standing in line waiting to renew licenses and registrations because they extended the expiration dates. So this one guy turns and tells the guy behind him, he’s not 6 feet away like the sign says. That guy says, “I am, too. When you turned around, I saw your 6-foot nose you got on your face almost reached me so that’s about right.” Well, the two guys wrestled to the floor and the cops came and dragged them both away. The one guy yelled, “Save my place in line!” when they were pulling him out the door.

Larry: I got one better than that. We go see my sister’s kid play in a 10 year-old baseball game. They had to limit the number of people coming in so you had to buy tickets in advance sold by the kids. This old lady shows up with no ticket and says she’s the grandmother of the pitcher. They tell her she can’t come in so she swings her cane right across the security guy’s head at the gate. He goes down. Meanwhile, the kid pitching runs off the mound right into her arms. The cops come and charge Grammy with assault. The kid goes back on the mound and drills the batter in the shoulder with his next pitch. All hell breaks loose and the umps called the game off.

Barry: And I heard when school opens there’s gonna be a protest about not paying school taxes. They say close the schools. The kids can learn at home like they did during the COVID. What ya think, Larry?

Larry: Seems silly to me. When the parents go back to work, you gonna have all these kids home with nobody to watch after them. That’s not good. I know a guy that says he’s got no kids in school so why should he have to pay school taxes? So I said to him, you should pay because everybody paid taxes for your education when you went to school, didn’t they? He had nothin’ to say after that.

Barry: You know, I went fishing the other day and I was at the lake six hours and didn’t get one bite.

Larry: Probably because the fish were practicing social distancing.

Barry: Hey, I hear if you’re going to Jersey, it’s gonna cost you an arm and a leg to drive on the turnpike now. Tolls up 29 percent.

Larry: It’ll be a one-way trip then. If I got no leg I can’t drive and if I got no arm, I can’t pay no toll.

Barry: Well, at least we told China a thing or two. Maybe now everything they make there that we buy here will be made in America.

Larry: Watch what you ask for. That New York Yankees cap I’m wearing was made in China and it costs me 12 bucks. This same cap made by an American might cost me 50 bucks because they gotta pay a union worker 22 an hour when in China I bet they pay somebody a couple cents a day to make this cap.

Barry: Well, I’m glad the virus is gone.

Larry: Yup. Better we all be broke instead of dead.

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.