Imagine if Groucho Marx and Rodney Dangerfield did a two man stand-up act? With quotes from some of their best lines, the skit might go something like this.

R: I just got back from another doctor visit.

G: Here we go again. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

R: He told me I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Hey, Groucho, do you remember me?

G: I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. And please don’t talk too long. I won’t listen. I’ve got the brain of a 4-year-old and I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

R: I go to some kind of doctor every week. Last week, I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet. Then he asked me why I think I’m going crazy. I told him this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

G: That doesn’t mean you’re nuttier than a fruitcake. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

R: So then my psychiatrist agreed and said I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. OK, he said. You’re ugly, too. I told him I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. I might be ugly, you know, but I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

G: My wife is beautiful. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. She likes to be hugged, but she says I don’t get close enough. I said to her. ‘If I get any closer, I’d be on the other side of you.’”

R: I can’t figure my wife out. Sometimes her suspicion of me is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Then other times, she’s trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

G: My problem was I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. We were thinking of getting married in Hollywood. That would have worked better. There, the brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

R: I got excited last week. A girl phoned me and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. I told my wife I was lonely. She said get a dog. So I got a dog. Some dog I got, too. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. My wife kisses the dog on his lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. Now my marriage is on the rocks again. She just broke up with her boyfriend. It’s tough to stay married. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist because of her. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.

G: I’m an expert on relationships. Women should be obscene and not heard and behind every successful man is a woman and behind her is his wife. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? You know I remember before we were married, we were happy. My wife and I spent hours in the back seat of my car. By the way, whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

R: My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. The other day she told me to go to the dentist to see what he could do about my yellow teeth. He told me to wear a brown tie. I tell you I get no respect. When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. And whenever I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. My father carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet and told everyone that was his son. My mother got morning sickness after I was born. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and an electric radio.

G: Well, we’re cursed with one life and all people are born alike, except for Republicans and Democrats. Anyway, I intend to live forever, or die trying.

R: I almost died trying to please my uncle. His dying wish was he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

G: Like I said, next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. My clock is ticking. I want to get old before I die. All I have to do is live long enough. Got to go. I have had a perfectly lovely evening, but this wasn’t it.

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.