When a child is born, so is a parent. That badge of honor, "parenthood," remains in place long after a child is grown - or if a child leaves this world prematurely.

"For the most part, people want to talk about the child that they lost," said Stacey Gravina of Phillipsburg, New Jersey, who lost her son Jacob, 8, to a brain tumor.She often cries when talking about Jacob, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want or need to talk about him."I'm upset that he died, not that you brought him up. I want to talk about him. One of my biggest fears is forgetting him. He's still an important part of our family," she said. "Just because they aren't physically here, doesn't mean that they aren't still your child. The memories are all that you have. You don't get to make new memories, so you just want to talk as much as you can about the time that they were here.""The best gift we can receive is being allowed to shed tears as we hear someone talk about our children," agreed Lora Krum of Lehighton."We even appreciate sharing those tears with others. The simple truth is, we are in pain whether or not you mention our children. We remember in every moment of our days that our children have died. It is actually quite healing and helpful for us to hear others mention them to us in some way."Many people are afraid to speak about the "elephant in the room" and either fill conversations with superficial talk or simply avoid them. Parents begin feeling isolated, with nowhere to turn to express their pain, joy and memories.Perhaps the most helpful thing to do is to find ways to show your support and share memories."Finding ways to allow them to know you're thinking of them is very supportive," Krum said.An email, text, card, or even voice message "may be the one thing that helps us get through the day.""It's never helpful to hear platitudes of our children 'being in a better place,' or that we're 'lucky' to have our beautiful memories," she said. "Although we may believe such things to be true, it makes us feel as if our pain, sorrow and longing are being minimized. A supportive gesture or the warmth of feeling like people 'make room for us' as we are, instead of trying to fill our time and minds with busy, happy thoughts, are probably among the most valued actions."A hand on the shoulder, or the feeling of an arm being wrapped around you, is often so much better than any words you may try to stumble through."