When her young son came home from school with a black eye, the mother asked him what had happened. He told her that one of the boys at recess had punched him.

She told her son that maybe he should try to make friends with the roughneck. She made some chocolate chip cookies, gave her son an extra bag, and told him to share them with the boy who had punched him.That afternoon, her son came home with the other eye blackened. "What happened?" asked the mother. "He wanted my cookies, too," said her son.Some bullies cannot be bought. They need to be taught instead, and at an early age. Most children who end up being bullies can be identified at a young age by certain behaviors. These include:• wanting to be first, best, loudest and most important• teasing other children past a normal point• enjoying other people's mistakes and misfortunes• not saying "I'm sorry" when wrong• taking things from others without asking• not wanting to wait his turn• getting physical when excited• showing a lack of self-worth or self-esteem• tormenting or hurting animals. (This is usually a warning sign of deep psychological problems and requires professional help)Most bullies are created in the family. Children learn what they see and experience at home. Children "do unto others" what is done to them. If the family prizes physical size and aggressive behavior, chances are good that a bully will rise out of that family.If parents laugh at inappropriate behavior and think their child is funny for pushing others around, they are encouraging anti-social behavior that could last a lifetime.If parents give a nod of approval when their child pushes his way in line to be the first or picks on another child to take a toy away, they are setting their child on a path that will lead to major problems.Downplaying aggressive behavior by excusing it is the way some parents ignore the family bully. Saying "he is a real boy" is another way to excuse and ignore a problem that won't go away easily.Both boys and girls can be bullies, although girls usually resort to verbal abuse rather than physical aggression.Larger than average physical size usually helps to create a bully because the large child is more capable of inflicting harm to others without seriously endangering himself.Other elements that can help create a bully include family fighting and disruption, parents who punish too harshly or not enough, constant changes in the adult in charge, and an abnormal desire for physical activity.If your child has been identified as a bully, how can you help him change his behavior? Here are a few suggestions:• Talk to your child and let him know that you do not want him to be the first one to hit. "Never hit first" is a good motto.• Arrange for your child to participate in some form of organized physical activity. Sign him up for football, wrestling, karate, gymnastics, swimming; anything that will help expend extra energy.• Limit the amount of violence your child sees.• Watch what the family says and does in the presence of your child. Keep strong verbal and physical arguments out of your home.• Remember that hitting your child often sends a message that it is OK to solve problems through physical means.• Invite other children to your home and watch their behavior.According to educational research, elementary school children who bully others frequently grow up to be adults who abuse their spouses, punish their children too severely and have convictions for violent crimes.When all is said and done, you cannot have a bully without having a victim. If a bully has targeted your child, you need to take immediate steps to stop it.If you would like to contact Virginia Wells Smith, she can be reached at her email address: jsmith1313@cfl.rr.com or in care of this newspaper.