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Vacation Schmacation

Published July 16. 2011 09:02AM

The voice message from Linda's sister Diane said, "We're here safe and sound! And it's AWESOME!" That was when they were on vacation in Williamsburg, Virginia and had a fabulous time.

Linda wanted to slap her sister silly for her stupid cheery message.

The Koehlers' friends, Brian and Michelle came back from a cruise to Bermuda and raved about their trip and said they'd go back in a heartbeat.

Linda was sorry to hear they did not get seasick.

Linda's friend Cindy shared pictures of her family's vacation to Key West, Florida and said they loved it so much she wishes she could move there.

Florida, Schmorida. Linda thinks Florida is so cliche.

Linda's friend Connie is going to Disneyland, California and will probably ride the famous Tea Cup ride.

Linda hopes Connie gets so dizzy she throws up.

Summertime is vacation time.

Well, for some.

Then there are those who will not be going anywhere on vacation this summer.

Like Linda and Harry.

It's killing Linda.

Harry could care less.

In the words of a very put out Linda, "Vacation Schmacation."

That's because Linda is jealous of anyone who utters the word "Vacation."

Harry wishes people didn't utter the word "Vacation" because then it puts Linda in a foul mood and makes her hard to live with.

Back in February when Linda and Harry decided to remodel the kitchen, Harry reminds Linda that she very willingly said she'd forgo a vacation this year if she could have the kitchen of her dreams.

Linda hates that Harry's memory is still so good.

That was in February and Linda would have agreed to anything to get new hardwood floors and kitchen cabinets.

Linda is now regretting she ever said those words because Harry gives her the evil eye every time she even thinks the word "Vacation." (She wonders how he does that.)

If Linda so much as even hints about an over night trip to the Jersey shore, Harry points to the backyard pool and says, "There's your Jersey shore."

So, what's a girl to do?

Linda has decided to make the best of a stupid agreement. What choice does she have, after all, since he made her sign an agreement in blood.

Linda is very grateful for the hot weather so she can enjoy her "Staycation" in her backyard.

She has talked Harry into wearing his tight cut-off jean shorts and serving her ice-cold Coke as her very own personal Pool Boy. It makes her feel like she's at a high-class beach resort.

Harry likes the tips.

Linda can occasionally talk Harry into chauffeuring her to a restaurant they've never been to before so it's almost like visiting a new and different country.

But Harry draws the line to driving around wearing a funny hat with Linda in the back seat.

Linda made-believe she was visiting Italy, cruising in a gondola on a canal in Venice, when they tried out a new pizza place in Allentown.

She imagined Harry's '64 Chevy was the Orient Express as they traveled to the new Chinese buffet they had been wanting to visit in Bath.

She could almost be convinced she was watching the Sailing World Cup in Melbourne, Australia as they sat on the shore at Beltzville Lake.

If she half-closed her eyes, she almost believed they were on a golf course in Ireland instead of playing putt-putt at Heisler's Dairy Farm in Tamaqua.

She pretended she slipped and fell facedown on an iceberg in Iceland as she licked her vanilla custard cone at Rita's in Brodheadsville.

Is Linda slightly deranged?


That comes from not having a vacation.

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