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Christmas shopping

Published December 12. 2011 11:25AM

So, are you all done Christmas shopping?

Yeah. Me either. To date, I've purchased four gifts. Three of them I bought online, something I would never have dreamed of doing last year.

By now you know that when it comes to technology and all this modern stuff, I'm a Lindasaurous. But, they just might be on to something with this online shopping thing.

Don't get me wrong. I love to shop. Unfortunately, my feet don't. Between heel spurs and bunions, by the time I walk from where I'm parked to the door, it feels like I was on a three-day hike on top of the Rocky Mountains.

I spend a lot of time preparing for a shopping trip.

I make sure my cell phone is charged. You never know when you have to send out an SOS for a dead battery or locking yourself out of the car. Back in BC-Before Cell phones, I had to go in search of a pay phone and then pray I'd catch Harry at home. Now I can hear immediately the sigh of resignation he makes when he knows he's going to have to drop everything to come rescue me. Again.

I rub Ben Gay on my feet and put extra inner soles in my sneakers.

I choose what I wear carefully because the malls are always so hot. I never wear a coat and usually pick a shirt that is lightweight. There's nothing worse than sweating bullets in the dressing room trying on clothing, which makes me wonder if the lady before me was sweating bullets when she tried it on. So I have to sniff over everything before I think seriously of buying. If I get even a whiff of Eau De Sweat or a hint of Estee What-I-Had-For-Lunch, it's back on the rack.

I transfer all my important must-haves to my little over-the-shoulder wallet-on-a-strap ... credit cards, cell phone and tissues. The last thing I need is to hamper my shopping abilities with a weighted-down heavy purse. The tissues are important because, Ladies, raise your hand if you have ever been caught in a bathroom stall without TP. Enough said.

Because I've been self-diagnosed with early on-set of Forgetfulitis Senility ARFTOFH (Almost Ready For The Old Folks Home), I have to prepare a list. My list is in outline form. It contains a list of stores I want to visit. Then under each store heading is a list of items I want to buy. It looks something like this:

I. Drugstore

A. Corn pads (for shopping feet)

B. New Chapstick (for my old dried out lips)

II. Wal-Mart

A. Xbox game for Zach. (He wants FeeFaa12. What the heck is FeeFaa12? Oh. FIFA12. It stands for what? Federation of International Football Association. It's a soccer game? Well then, why isn't it FISA? Whatever.)

B. Can of cashews for Harry's weekly nut fix

III. Dollar General

A. Cover Girl-Classic Tan makeup to hide all my facial imperfections. I'm waiting for them to come out with a body one.

IV. Mall

A. Everything else that's on my Christmas list and hope the gifts will float their boats.

The other night I was flicking through the channels because, believe it or not, there just wasn't anything on TV. OK. There were a billion sports shows, a bunch of reruns and the weather channel. I stayed a few minutes on the Spanish speaking channel. It was a soap opera. It was kind of fun. Even though I don't understand a word of Spanish, except "tacos," "nachos" and "enchilada," I made up my own dialogue according to their facial features and expressions. I bet my version of what they were saying was a whole lot more titillating.

But I digress. There was nothing I wanted to watch. As I was breezing by channels, I came across QVC. Some lady was talking about Dooney and Bourke purses. My sister Diane has on her Christmas list, Dooney and Bourke boat shoes so I thought I'd listen in a little to see if I would be lucky enough to order them off TV.

Let me just say this ... QVC should be outlawed. It's evil.

There I was perfectly happy with my $29.99 purse from Kmart when I saw the Cadillac of purses. It came in six different colors. But it was the navy blue with tan trim that stole my heart. It had my necessary requirements of a shoulder strap and lots of room for all my essentials. And the bestest thing about it? It had the cutest little duck stamp. This magical purse was normally $380 but ... QVC wanted to give it to me for the paltry price of $258. Imagine! But wait! It got better! I could have this thing of beauty in five easy payments of $51!

I watched in dismay at how quickly the brown, black, gray, red colors sold out. It was down to the green and navy. My hand reached out and picked up the phone. Just as I began dialing, I heard "Sorry ladies, they're all gone."

"No!" I cried and knew complete despair.

But, God love her, Jane Treacy showed me the Dooney and Bourke Hobo purse.

It was then the angel on my right shoulder pushed the devil off my left shoulder and shouted in my ear ..."Linda! Are you nuts? You have Christmas presents to buy for everyone. Do not pick up that phone and buy a purse for yourself!"

Whew! That was a close call. I quickly flicked the channel to Lifetime and watched the Christmas movie, "Home By Christmas," which I've seen at least two times before.

So, I'm not doing any Christmas shopping on QVC. My checking account wouldn't be able to handle it!

Instead, I'm going to arm myself with my outlined list, Ben Gay, debit card and brave the wilds of the stores today.

I'm praying for a Christmas miracle ... that I get it done all in one whirlwind trip.

I wouldn't place any bets on that one.

Tonight might just find me doing the rest of my Christmas

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