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More thoughts and puns

Published August 27. 2011 09:01AM


I just had to pass on this quote from Peter Schmuck, a Baltimore sports writer, concerning the indictment of Roger Clemens:

"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?"

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

Here's how it works.

The caller claims to be a jury duty coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify theinformation and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo, youridentity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states. This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with thecourt system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud. Check it out here:

- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The overthrowing of Libyan President Gadhafi by rebel forces is a good thing for the U.S. Right?

- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two fans were shot following a preseason NFL Game in San Francisco last weekend. Makes you want to round up the wife and kids and take them to a game, right?

- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

For the pure joy of sport for participants and fans there's nothing that quite measures up to the Little League World Series held in Williamsport every year.

- The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Weird crime of the week: A Butler Township man this week went into a Sugarloaf bank and robbed it of $2,262. He returned to the bank a few minutes later and gave the money back, after he received a scolding from his girlfriend. His explanation to police on why he committed the robbery? "Times are tough," he said.

- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Big weekend ahead. First, Mary and I are celebrating our 44th wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem that long ago that we thought people who were married 25 years were considered old. Secondly, grandson Sean turns two on Sunday. I'm betting that the "terrible twos" won't be too bad.

I recently read somewhere that studies say we need 12 laughs a day to stay healthy. Keep reading and you'll only need 11 more chuckles to complete your day.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whiskey

4. And a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. He's gonna run for Congress."

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