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It's so hot ...

Published August 01. 2011 05:02PM

We just went through a walloping heat wave.

What did you do to keep cool?

I consider myself blessed.

I work in an air-conditioned office, drive in an air-conditioned car that takes me to my air-conditioned house.

When I get home from work, I put on my swimming suit and jump into my pool. Now under normal conditions, that should be a refreshing experience. But last week, the water temperature was up to 90 degrees and holding. It was like swimming in a crock pot and I was the main ingredient. By the time I'd get out, Harry would be standing there with a knife and fork, salt and pepper, and a hungry gleam in his eye.

I remember one summer about 10 years ago, I had to do an article on the heat wave we were having then. I broke a raw egg on the concrete sidewalk and took a picture of it when it fried enough to turn the egg white, white. Now that's hot! (Kids, I know you're bored, but do not try this at home. 1. Mom will not appreciate her good spatula being ruined as you try to scoop it up. 2. It won't be edible and Mom will yell at you for wasting a good egg. 3. It's going to be a stinker to clean up and Mom WILL make you clean it up! 4. But if you're not afraid of Mom, go ahead and try it. It's a hoot!)

Remember when Johnny Carson of "The Tonight Show" use to say to Ed McMahon, "It was so hot today." And Ed would ask, "How hot was it?" Then Johnny went through a list of how hot it was like "It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, 'if you want it your way, cook it yourself.'"

It's so hot ...

*Harry isn't complaining that the air conditioner is on all night in the bedroom.

*The flowers in my garden have gone on strike because I forget to water them so they refuse to bloom for me. In fact they're so militant about it, they're actually dying for their cause!

*I went on strike about cooking but Harry reminded me that I have air conditioning and the heat outside is no excuse. I'm not yet ready to die for my cause so, tacos tonight.

*The birds stopped singing. Every time they try, they end up coughing because their little throats are so parched.

I received this email and thought I'd share it with you. They rank right up there with some of Johnny's responses.

From Paul Heil's Gospel Great's Weekly Newsletter "On the Lighter Side."

It is so hot ...

*all the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.

*the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

*farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

*the cows are giving evaporated milk.

*the trees are whistling for the dogs.

*the birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.

*I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

*scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.

*Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to, "Just pour and eat."

*some dairy farmers are finding that their dairy cows are producing powdered milk.

*I have discovered that asphalt has a liquid state.

*I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.

*you eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.

*you can make instant sun tea.

*the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*hot water now comes out of both taps.

*you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

*that when the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

*you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

*you discover that it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

*your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*it's like living in the french fry bin at McDonalds.

*I could spit fire.

*that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.

I'm not really complaining about the summer heat because I hate the alternative ... Winter! Ugh!

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