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Scary stuff

Published October 23. 2010 09:00AM

'Tis the Scary Season.

This is the time of year when we talk about haunted houses, things that go bump in the night, witches, goblins and ghosts, oh my.

While I will admit, all those things are scary, here are a few other things I find frightening.

Take my eyebrows.

A while back I really stared at the large family portrait that hangs above my mom's sofa. It had been taken over 25 years ago and I've seen it a million times. But this day I was fascinated about how we had all changed. Then I really looked at myself.

All I saw were these two huge bushy eyebrows.

They were as big as squirrel tails!

Horrified, I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The realization hit me hard.

I had been walking around for over 50 years with squirrel tails above my eyes and just now noticed them?

I immediately found a tweezer and began yanking. Oh the pain. The agony. It hurt like the dickens! Little tiny hairs were flying everywhere. When I stopped, I had two pencil thin eyebrows. I looked like I was perpetually surprised.

But at least my bushy squirrel tails were gone.

That was a couple of years ago. Now my expression changes weekly. Sometimes I look very passive with my straight across eyebrows. Sometimes one eyebrow has less hair than the other and it looks like the one eyebrow is higher than the other giving me a sarcastic expression like "Oh really?" And then there's a week when I don't take the time to do anything and I've got straggly little hairs that give me a bag lady look.

I find myself spending an inordinate amount of time plucking facial hair, all together. If I didn't pluck my eyebrows, moustache and chin, the only difference between me and the Wicked Witch of the West is, she wears all black with a pointy hat!

You know what else is scary?

The deepest darkest bowels of my refrigerator.

Every Thursday I have to take a trip to that Island of the Forgotten because it's garbage pick-up day. I try to empty out the leftovers weekly. But every once in a while, something eludes me.

Maybe they're squishy overripe tomatoes, rotting oozing zucchini or leftover jambalaya that is ready for some voodoo ceremony.

But man, did I ever find a monster last Sunday. And in front of company! This hairy Sasquatch must have lain in hiding, festering, for quite a while.

I had made a new Paula Deen Bacon Cheeseburger Meatloaf recipe (YUM!) and baked potatoes. I had three containers of sour cream in the frig. I don't know why. Don't ask. Anyway, I pulled out all three. I opened the first one and recoiled in disgust. I've seen some mold in my time, but this was beyond scary.

When I screamed out in terror, my niece and sister came running. We all stared at it in horror. There was a rainbow of colors ranging from hot pink to yellow to black. There were actual hair balls in there at least a half-inch thick. I expected it to start moving. In all my years of bad leftovers, this one was the worst.

"Wow! That's really neat," said my 10-year-old niece. "I've never even saw anything like that in our refrigerator," she said with what sounded like regret. High praise indeed from a kid.

My sister, who was battling a bad cold and poison ivy, entertained some thoughts about eating it, thinking maybe there was enough penicillin in it to knock both out of her system instantly!

"Or kill you," I replied.

I don't know about you, but are you scared yet about the upcoming election?

I'm scared sick.

Apparently we've got witches, thieves and Taliban Dan running for office. There are enough vicious verbal attacks flying about to fill a bubbling cauldron with their vile brew.

Here's the scary part. If we are to believe any of the political campaign ads that we are bombarded with on television, radio and all forms of media, there isn't one single person who should be voted in to run our country!

I love this quote I found by Mark Twain.

"Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often and for the same reason."

Here are some other things I find scary:


*How much I hate vampire movies.

*How much I love cheesesteaks.

*How scaly my feet get in the winter.

*Friday the 13th movies.

*Little Orphan Annie with her blank eyes.

*Sharks and snakes.

*How much I hate the alarm clock. There are some mornings I could shoot it dead!

*How much I hate cleaning the bathroom.

*How much gas costs.

*The lies manufacturers make. Like when they said their extra-deep fitted sheet would fit my thick mattress and it doesn't!

*Stephen King's mind. Now that's some scary stuff coming out of his head!

*How sad I am to see October go 'cause I really hate winter!

Well Boys and Girls, it's time to wrap this up, like a mummy. I've got to go pluck some more eyebrow hair so I won't look like a werewolf.

Let me know about the scary stuff in your lives.

Owwwww Ohhhhhhh.

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