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Inside looking out: MyBaggage.com

Published July 13. 2018 11:08PM

I may have written before about this topic, but I felt motivated to take on the internet dating sites again. They all ask for your character profile and a list of expectations desired in a significant other.

Here’s an example of what a divorced woman of three children wants to find in a man. He has to make her laugh. He must be able to cook. He needs to know his way around a toolbox. Must love dogs and country music. No baldies or big bellies. No Trump supporters. Must love repeating trips to Disneyworld.

I kid you not! Nowhere in her profile does she state what she’s prepared to offer in return. Now, this debacle gave me the idea to pretend to create a new site for singles over 40 who want to jump back into the deep end of the dating pool. I’m calling it MyBaggage.com.

Hear me out. If you go on a dinner date planned from any of these other sites, you’ll spend the entire meal exchanging pleasantries and boasting about your qualities and interests, but as you stare across the table with a glass of wine in your hand, you keep wondering, “OK, enough of the good, I want to know the bad and the ugly and I want to know now before I invest any more time in this relationship. So tell me about any habits you might have and tell me what baggage you’re carrying from your past relationships.” Of course those words will never leave your mouth.

Forget that there’s somebody out there who has no habitual behavior or baggage or scars given or received. With MyBaggage.com, your internet description of your character lays out all your unattractive traits in front of your profile so that before a dinner date is secured, someone can honestly decide if he or she can get past your behaviors and your baggage to give the relationship a decent chance.

Here are some examples. Have some fun deciding which of these issues would be deal breakers and which ones you could tolerate.

“I’m a recovering alcoholic, been clean now for 10 years.”

“I did a little jail time for selling drugs, but that was five years ago.”

“My wife left me for another guy and she broke my heart. It’s been a year. I still love her, but it gets easier every day.”

“I drink a lot, but never get fall-down drunk. I just like to go out on weekends and have a good time.”

“I smoke a half pack of cigarettes a day, but I’ll step outside to not bother anyone.”

“I absolutely hate cats.”

“I was recently bankrupt and ran out on my mortgage, but now I’m working my way back even though I don’t have a job yet.”

“I have this thing about socks. I wear each pair only once then I throw them away for a new pair.”

“I’m anti gay and biased against nonwhite races.”

“I’ve been thrown off Little League Baseball fields twice for yelling at the umpire.”

“I am an absolute clean freak about everything in my house.”

“I love all animals and have eight different kinds living with me now.”

“I’m a control freak and I usually have to do things my way.”

Of course, there would be restrictions and policy guidelines. A site manager would preview every submission to ensure that each profile does not cross decency lines of stated boundaries in tact or topic.

You might be thinking this dating theme is a great idea or the dumbest.

Well, here’s a scene with a couple that did not meet on MyBaggage.com.

(Midway through dinner) “So, I think you should know that I owe my ex-wife thousands for back child support,” he said. “And I think she has the cops looking for me.”

The woman on the other side of the table raises her hand to signal the waitress.

“Check, please!”

Here’s a dating couple that met on MyBaggage.com.

(Just beginning the appetizer) “So you know I was emotionally abused by my ex-husband. Do you think I’m weird that the last guy I dated, I gave him a book to read called ‘How to Treat a Lady’ on our second time out?”

He laughs. “Yeah, that is a bit strange, but I can understand your fears. You read that I sometimes have an unfiltered mouth that offends some people.”

“Yes I know that and I still came to dinner with you, didn’t I? Nothing offends me.”

So here’s a compilation of a few people I know put together in a mock profile for MyBaggage.com.

“I’m not a good listener. I’m addicted to the New York Giants football team. I will not go to any family function if it’s the same time of the Giants’ game. I only will eat organic foods. Married three times before. Needed counseling for the last one. I can’t stand the thought of having my heart broken again.

“I’m sensitive, respectful and never put my needs first. I love children and I cooking and I am romantic to a fault. I’m not materialistic. I love being outdoors and I listen to classic rock music.

“So what do you say? Dinner next Saturday?”

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.

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