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Top of the morning

Published October 12. 2013 09:00AM

Friends of mine enjoy the Irish jokes I have placed in this column in the past and have sent me some more to share with you this morning.

Two Irishmen walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy, "Jez, that looks like Sean" to which Paddy replied, "No Sean was taller than that."

Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

An Irishman went into the post office to see if there were any letters for him. "I'll see, sir," said the clerk. "What is your name?" "You've having me on now because I'm Irish," said the Irishman. "Won't you see the name on the envelope?"

Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign that read "Three fellers wanted". "Oh, now, look at that," said Paddy, "What a pity there's only two of us."

Newly arrived in Boston from the old country, Paddy O'Shea called his brother back home. "Sean, it's amazin these American cities. On most every street they got glass outhouses, and it's telephones they put in em!"

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have you seen Mulligan lately Pat?" "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said. "It's like this y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one was neither of us."

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said, "Oh, no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be willing. "Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?", asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man, why didn't you tell me your dog was a Catholic?"

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Misses was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's hell I'll take ye." Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?" Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the devil ya' damned old fool." To which Pat remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

Reilly always slept with a gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. "Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed," he said, "I would have blown my head off."

And finally, the first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

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