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Weirdness close to home

Published March 23. 2013 09:02AM

Usually I write about really weird stories that happen in far off exotic places, but I never dreamed when of the best ones in recent memory occurred right next door in good old Lansford. Usually people joke about the air being thin on top of the mountain in Summit Hill, but it seems the most outrageous behavior lately has been in the valley from Tamaqua to Lansford.

The spat between Eric Zuber and his half naked girlfriend Heather Hayes has circled the globe and unless you have been living under a rock for the last week and a half, you might have read about it in our paper first but then later online on almost every news site on the web. Apparently Hayes, a woman scorned decided to chase her beaten boyfriend Zuber down the street in Lansford sans pants. Why? Because he was playing with the wrong thing, his X-Box and ignoring her. She rewarded his lack of attention like any other adult would, by beating him, slapping him and other things not fit to discuss while you eat breakfast.

When asked by the police why she forgot her pants and chased him through town without them, she told him she was anticipating sex according to our story and didn't want to take the time to become decent in favor of chasing the battered boyfriend down the street. It's a good thing that this happened in the middle of the night because I wouldn't want to explain to my daughter or something I would wish on any parent to explain to their child why a belligerent woman, half naked as a jaybird is running down the street. What could you say? "Well, maybe there was a fire" or "Maybe her pants were abducted by aliens." If you are that desperate for a little love, perhaps you might want to consider something that is found in most houses, a cold shower.

Everyone hopes for 15 minutes of fame, but this little morsel will be remembered as being quite humiliating and undignified and I'm glad I don't have to explain that to anyone in 20 years. Good luck with that.

And from there as if the week couldn't get any worse or bizarre, we introduce Mr. Carl Stevens, Jr.

Apparently he had a wish to go to jail really bad, so much so that he decided to do some remodeling to the Lansford Community building. I cannot imagine how someone sitting on a park bench just decides to take a tire iron and smash windows in a municipal building. Especially since he isn't a taxpayer in Lansford. Now I could see a disgruntled resident considering what a circus the town leaders seem to relish running, but this Einstein did not do anyone any favors. Except maybe sparing injury to the tax collector and his customers. The one humorous observation I did hear or read regarding the whole thing was that it might give the borough a chance to install some truly efficient windows. Thank Mr. Stevens for that. I would say he could be thanked next year if taxes increase, but council's infighting might have more to do with that. Maybe at some point they will remember they represent the town and not themselves.

The only silver lining is the positive story from Lansford which was related by the paper on Monday in that "American Pickers" showed up in Lansford to pick antiques at the former Frantz garage.

That drew some positive attention and many adoring fans hoping to catch a glimpse of Frank Fritz or Mike Wolfe. Some were successful but most managed to get some pictures or a memory of the day the Antique Archaeology van ended up in Carbon County. Good thing they missed the half naked woman and jailbound vandal or they might have thought they were filming a different show like "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding" or "Hillbilly Haven".

And finally while we are on local bizarre news, I cannot help but wonder in what alternate reality we find that criminals will skip a town without police protection. How exactly does that work?

"Hey, let's commit some crimes. Where would be best? Lansford is too poor so there probably isn't anything there worth stealing and Tamaqua has some pretty tough cops. What about this little town named Coaldale? That looks like it might be a great town to hit. Oh wait, there are no cops. What fun is stealing and selling drugs in a town where no one is trying to stop us. Let's go somewhere else."

Of course if Mr. Stevens was in Coaldale he might have run out of windows before a cop showed up to arrest him. In fact, he probably would have been worn out before anyone arrived. At least he would have been able to finish his cigarette.

Til next time…

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