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Sleepless in Lansford

Published July 27. 2013 09:03AM

It's 1 a.m.

I have work in the morning.

My daughter is snoring and so is the dog. I am beyond jealous.

I would like nothing more than to be snoring too, creating a three-part harmony right here in my living room. But as usual, insomnia rears its ugly head and by the looks of things, it's going to be another long night.

I miss my teenage years when I could sleep like a rock all night long and well into the afternoon the next day.

Now, I can't even remember what it is like to sleep straight through for more than an hour.

I hear every little noise; real and imagined.

On the occasions that I do fall asleep and begin to snore, I actually hear myself snoring and immediately wake up.

If it isn't some noise disturbing my slumber, then it's my pain that keeps me from sleeping.

I am like a sock in the dryer flipping around over and over again.

When I try to get comfortable and relax, my mind kicks into overdrive and the most random and profound thoughts come to mind:

Do Bigfoots and aliens really exist?

What kind of crap is in all of those boxes stored in the attic and should I have a yard sale?

Milk, eggs, peanut butter …

I wonder what Will and Kate will name their baby?

I've tried everything to sleep: warm milk, prescription and over the counter medications, melatonin, and wine all to no avail.

The only thing I haven't tried is the prescription drug Lunesta. You've probably seen the commercial for it. It's the one where the glowing butterfly flutters into the room and gently puts the tired person to sleep, who wakes up the next morning all smiling and refreshed.

At 3 a.m. when you are so tired and agitated that you are ready to put your head through the wall just to get some sleep, the glowing butterfly begins to look real good.

That is, until you hear the side effects.

"Walking, eating, driving or engaging in other activities while asleep without remembering it the next day have been reported."

That can't be good.

"Other abnormal behaviors include aggressiveness, agitation, hallucinations and confusion."

Considering I already have all of those symptoms on occasion due to LACK of sleep, I certainly don't want to make things any worse for myself by taking Lunesta.

Stupid butterfly.

Here are some statistics about insomnia I thought I would share with you:

Women are two times more likely to suffer from insomnia than men.

Of course we are.

Sleep deprived people are 27 percent more likely to become overweight.

Well, that would explain it.

In about 35 percent of insomnia cases, there is a family history of insomnia.

My mother, father and grandmother have suffered as well.

And, according to one Consumer Reports survey, the top reason given for avoiding sex was due to being "too tired."

And here we all thought it was headaches.

I've talked to many of my friends and it turns out that there are a lot of us who are sleep deprived.

During one angry and sleepless night while lying in my bed, I began to ponder better ways of utilizing my time when sleep was not an option.

Clean the house.

Write my column.

Actually go and look through all of those boxes in the attic and price everything for the yard sale.

Handwrite a letter to my grandmother who does not own a computer.

Handwrite little love notes to my husband and children and hide them someplace where they will find them the next day.

If it is summer, round up all of my insomniac friends and find a place to have a night owl pool party.

If it is winter and if there is snow, round up all of my insomniac friends and find some place to have an epic snowball fight.

Round up all of my insomniac friends, make interesting clothing choices, grab a camera and go and BE "the people of Wal-Mart."

While I have no suggestions on how to get a better night's sleep, I will leave you with the following thought: "Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up." Author unknown.

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