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Christmas chuckles to make you Ho Ho Ho

Published December 14. 2013 09:00AM

Well, wish me luck. Today is going to be my first day of Christmas shopping. And I am a-feared.

I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for the experience. I've been listening to Christmas music, eating lots of Christmas cookies, watching lots of Christmas movies and practicing meditation to put myself in a Zen mood. Ommmmmmm.

I find it's very important to keep a sense of humor while out there braving the Christmas madness. I came across this website on the Internet with lots of cute Christmas one liners. I thought I'd share them with you so you too can enjoy some Christmas humor.

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey he's always stuffed.

"Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?" "No, you can have turkey like everyone else."

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail? She'd go to a "retail" shop for a new one.

I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand. Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

A: Santa Clues.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.

What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet.

What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause.

What kind of music do elves like best? "Wrap" music.

Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis.

What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

What do you call Santa when he has no money? Saint "Nickel"-less.

What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas? A rebel without a Claus.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer? A UF ho, ho, ho.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a gardener? Someone who likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.

And what goes oh! oh! oh? Santa Claus walking backward.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

What's red & white and red & white and red & white? Santa rolling down a hill.

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays? At a Ho-ho-tel.

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet.

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers.

How do snowmen travel around? By icicle.

How do snowmen greet each other? Ice to meet you.

What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle.

What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food? Brrrrrr-itos.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out its head first

Sherlock's favorite Christmas song: "I'll be Holmes for Christmas."

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad.

What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"? A mistle-"toad."

What did the grape say to the peanut butter? "'Tis the season to be jelly!"

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy.

What kind of money do they use at the North Pole? Cold cash.

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year. That's because it's on my charge card statement that long.

And this poem is from me.

Christmas Shopping

I'm off to shop at the mall,

To find the perfect gifts for all.

I'm armed in lots of Christmas cheer,

(No, I didn't have a beer!)

I'm wearing a pair of comfy shoes,

Don't want to cry the "Sore Feet Blues."

Now if I'm not here next Saturday,

You'll know the guys in white coats took me away.

So pray that I will not succumb,

To the dreaded Christmas Crazy Shopping Glum.


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