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A little bit of humor

Published August 10. 2013 09:02AM

Here is some more jokes to hopefully pick you up on this Saturday morning.

A woman told her neighbor about a friend: Then she asked, "What is the best form of birth control after 50?" I said, "Nudity."

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

You know why a woman's work is never done. They don't get up early enough.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

My wife said, "Watcha doin' today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finsihed."

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

The only way I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, he looks good doesn't he."

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

When you think about it. God has to be the best inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

The reason men lie is because women ask too many questions.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Success is relative. The more the success, the more the relatives.

My grandfather is 80 and still doesn't need glasses...he drinks straight out of the bottle.

A sign in a bar: Those of you who are drinking to forget, please pay in advance.

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establisment has been personally passed by the manager.

And finally. When I read the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.

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