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The Purse facts of life

Published May 05. 2012 09:01AM

Some of Linda's Purse facts:

*Purse Fact #1-Sometimes you CAN have a purse that's too big.

How do you know when your purse is too big? When you can't find your cell phone.

This is no lie. Last night I looked for my cell phone in my purse to turn it off and could not find it. I looked on the dining room table ... not there. I checked the end table in the living room ... not there. I became distracted and never did get back to looking for it. This morning, I forgot I didn't have my cell phone until I backed the car out of the garage. Again, I searched my purse. Could not find it.

"This is nuts! If it isn't in my purse, where the heck is it?" I wondered

I ran back into the house, picked up the wireless phone and called my cell phone.

OK. How many others of you out there have had to resort to the same tactic? Come on. I know I can't be the only one. Raise your hands.

I walked through the house waiting to hear "Moon River." (That's my cell phone ringtone. I love that song! I sang it for my first solo in high school and I just love the movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with Audrey Hepburn. But I digress.)

Not hearing "Moon River" anywhere in the house, I took the phone out to the car. Strains of "Moon River" were emanating from my purse. I stared at it in disbelief. But, there it was, lying buried under the bric-a-brac of all the other necessities of my life that I feel compelled to cart with me wherever I go. Which leads me to ...

*Purse Fact #2-A purse has to carry everything in it but the kitchen sink.

Do you ladies remember when we were little girls and carried our cute little purses? We carried our Sunday School coins for offering wrapped in our pretty little handkerchiefs. Sometimes my mom gave me my very own pack of Sen-Sen to put in my purse. And I'd carry whatever little trinket was my favorite at the time.

As a high schooler, my purse held pens, pencils, comb, make up, a wallet ... and of course, necessities for when I got my "friend."

As the years progressed, my purse grew bigger. As a young mother, you quickly learn carrying a diaper bag and a purse is a pain. Sometimes the diaper bag served as my purse. Eventually, my purse took on double duty as a mini diaper bag.

I bought a little pouch that fit in my purse, for all the things I might need in case of an emergency like Bandaids, Tylenol, a small scissors, nail file, a little sewing kit, sanitary wipes in individual packets and matches in case we got stranded somewhere and needed to make a fire to survive. I still have that pouch today but it is in the car in case of emergencies because there's no room in my purse.

Now my purse has to hold: an individual card holder for all my rewards cards so I can reap the discount benefits for every store in America; my address book which holds all the phone numbers and addresses of every person I know because I'll never know when I might need them; another card holder for all my credit cards, which Harry prays I never use; about 5,000 pens; nail file; hairbrush; two lipsticks because I can never decide which color I feel like; sunglasses; a 5-foot tape measure (and yes, I have used it from time to time); sometimes a book, in case I have to wait for Harry somewhere; sometimes my big Nikon camera when I'm working, along with my tablet. If Harry and I are out together, sometimes it holds his reading glasses. And of course, my cell phone.

*Purse Fact #3-Picking out a new purse is very serious business.

There was a time when I had several purses in all different colors to match my shoes. When I got dressed to go somewhere, I'd have to transfer everything from one purse to another. Eventually, this became a pain in the you-know-what. Now I want and need one purse that is large enough to hold all my essentials and be good to go when I am ready to leave the house.

I find a purse will last about three months when in constant use. Therefore, I don't want to spend a lot of money on something I'm going to have to replace so often. I learned that even a "good" purse that costs a lot does not weather well with the beating I give it. If I'm in the mood to appease my inner diva, I'll just take a trip to the Hometown Farmers Market and buy myself a "Coach" or a lovely "Dooney & Bourke" for $25.

I have specific criteria for a purse. First, it has to be big enough to carry all of the above mentioned items. Second, it has to have shoulder straps. I hate having to cart around a heavy purse by the hand. Oh, I know many women can just slip their purses up over their shoulder but I don't have Twiggy toothpick arms.

Purse shopping for me is intense. Ask Harry. He did it once with me and swore never to go again knowingly when I'm in search for the "Perfect Purse," which I'm convinced does not exist.

*Purse Fact #4-My sister Diane carries the mother-of-all purses. She far exceeds anyone I've ever seen who carries a big purse. And they are always so stylish and fashionable! She's my Purse Idol! Of course she's scheduled for shoulder and back surgery next week, but ... Just kidding!

*Purse Fact #5-I think my next purse is going to be a piece of carry-on luggage with wheels.

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