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Life in the fast lane

Published June 18. 2011 09:01AM

At one time I was old. But not anymore.

It might be true I went to school in the days B. C. - before computers. But that's okay. I'm a product of typewriters, mimeograph and whiteout - not the kind of whiteout that takes place in the bleachers at a football game.

If you're my age or older, you know what whiteout is. If you're a kid, ask your parents. But be assured that whiteout has nothing to do with cocaine and you don't snort it. You won't find it in a meth lab either.

Whiteout was part of my upbringing because, like many boomers, I'm from the old school and it was one way we dealt with our mistakes. But don't think I'm obsolete. I'm not. When computers came out, I taught myself how to use one. Old dogs can learn new tricks.

The computer has made me young again.

The emails in my inbox prove I'm a spring chicken.

Just today, I received an email that says dozens of hot singles in my neighborhood are waiting to meet me. This is especially noteworthy because I live near a nursing home.

Of course, one hot single is enough, but dozens? Anyway, to meet these dozens of hot singles all I need to do is submit a credit card.

But are hot singles costly? Just when I worried about the potential expense of dozens of hot singles, I received another email that solves the problem.

Apparently, I've been left a large inheritance from the sultan of Nairobi.

The email says I was secretly chosen by the sultan before his passing, and the money would arrive tax-free to a special account. All I need to do is submit my credit card number to pay for processing costs and a good faith deposit.

What a surprise! I don't even know where Nairobi is. And I never knew the sultan. In fact, I've never known any sultans. But they must be nice people because this guy is making me a zillionaire and I never even sent him a Christmas card.

In just one day the computer has changed my life.

My computer also tells me how I can order any drug without a doctor's prescription. I also can complete a PhD without leaving my house. And I can apply for dozens of Christian jobs in my community. I never even realized that everyday jobs in my community had religious affiliations. How do they figure it out? If I flip hamburgers at Burger World, which religion would that be?

I also can order Total Gym Fitness, as seen on TV, for a special limited time only. I think it's supposed to give me six-pack abs. I can sit in a chair at my PC, eating cheese curls, and get six-pack abs simply by clicking the mouse button.

Sounds good. Sign me up.

I'm cool with all of this stuff. I once was merely chugging foward. Now I'm zooming in the fast lane.

I'm young again and it couldn't come at a better time.

I was beginning to see myself an old man sitting in a rocking chair, complaining of my arthritis and reading AARP magazine.

But a computer has been the answer to life's problems. My Outlook Express Inbox is the fountain of youth, where I drink from a bottomless cyberspace cup.

You, too, can take a sip from that fountain any time you want. All you need is a computer, the Internet, and a credit card.

For the right price, you can find dozens of most anything waiting for you in your neighborhood.

It's all there on the Internet, the good, the bad and the ugly. And some of it needs whiteout.

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