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Things really said in court

Published October 09. 2010 09:00AM

Last year in this space I ran actual quotes from lawyers and witnesses made during official court proceedings. The funny quotes were well received so I thought I print some more today.

Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Witness: I only have one, you know.

Accused, defending his own case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in jail.

Lawyer: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?

Witness: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.

Lawyer: Can you identify the rifle?

Witness: Yes, there was something written on the side of it.

Lawyer: What did it say?

Witness: Winchester.

Lawyer: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?

Witness: No. He was wearing a mask.

Lawyer: What was he wearing under the mask?

Witness: Er...his face.

Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Lawyer: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Witness: After the accident?

Lawyer: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for 10 years, I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: And you check your radar unit frequently?

Officer: Yes, I do.

Lawyer: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?

Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

Witness: Thank you, If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?

Witness: That's me.

Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Witness: Four times.

And finally,

Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Other lawyer: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

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