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Things actually said in court

Published October 10. 2009 09:00AM

Staff member Chris Parker emailed me this article about lawyers because she thought I would enjoy it since I cover the Carbon County courthouse. I found it so funny that I have to share it with you today. First the credits.

The following quotations are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" by Charles M. Sevilla. These are things people actually said in court, word for word. Enjoy.

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest so, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney: She had three children, right?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Attorney: Were there any girls?

Witness: Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was you first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Attorney: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And finally, the best:

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witenss: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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