I signed up for the Biggest Loser contest at Dedicated Fitness for the next 12 weeks. I went to the kick-off to get "pumped up" and immediately upon leaving, got into a fender bender. Nobody got hurt, thank God, but my car had to be towed.

Went home, drowned my sorrows in a Coke and a bowl of popcorn with extra butter.

Hee Haw. Off to a good start.

Not.

First day in the gym.

I was never in one of these before. Pretty overwhelming.

Lots of big scary looking machines all around.

Lots of people sweating.

I hate sweating.

Treadmill first.

Six excruciatingly long minutes. Walked less than a quarter of a mile. Feet hurt. Knees hurt. Eyeballs hurt.

Yes, I said eyeballs. I thought they were going to pop out of my head from me staring at the timer while trudging along praying for the end of six minutes.

Next, the ellipitical.

The machine from hell.

Whoever invented this machine must have read the instruction manual from the Inquisition on how to make torture machines.

Here's the clincher. We actually pay money to put ourselves through this!

I had to do six loooooooooooooong minutes on it. It's what I imagine it would be like to go cross-country skiing.

Note to self: Never sign up for THAT winter sport.

Can I just say, I HATE the ellipitical!

After 12 minutes of cardio work, on to strength exercises.

OMG.

Kerri Jahelka, the owner of the gym and the gal in charge of this event, said to start out with what weights are comfortable.

Well, that would be ZERO!

I managed to do 30 lbs. on the triceps pushdown and 40 lbs. with the leg press.

"Challenge yourself!" is her mantra.

Hey. Getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge. Adding weights to these machines is suicide!

Kerri wants me to "challenge" my muscles. Let's see how she worded this ... "Your muscle needs to overcome resistance in order for it to breakdown and repair itself. Therefore, when lifting weights, when finishing an exercise, it should feel as though you can barely finish the required number of repetitions. When it becomes easy to finish, that is when you know it is time to use heavier weight."

I looked at my choices of weights and was horrified to learn there was nothing in ounces.

Everything was in pounds, like 5, 10, 25, 45 ... I stopped counting because I was beginning to hyperventilate.

When I was ready to do the chest lift, I was really ticked off that somebody left the weights on from a prior use. How rude, I thought. So I had to remove a couple of 5 pounders, two 25s and a couple of 45s. I couldn't even lift the 45s so I had to roll them over to where they were stored. Finally some guy using the bicep curl took pity on me and said, "Lady, those weren't on the machine as weights. They're just stored on those posts on the bottom of the machine. You can let them there."

Color me red.

Not only from my embarrassment but because I almost had a hernia trying to pick the darn things up!

He picked those 45-pounders up like they were cotton balls.

Show off.

Back to the treadmill for six minutes and last but not least, the demon-machine, the ellipitical.

I watched the guy next to me on the ellipitical with his shirt totally soaked in sweat.

You mean I'm going to look like that? Ewww.

I HATE the ellipitical. We are not going to be friends.

As I walked out of the gym, I asked myself how was it possible that I felt 10 lbs. heavier? Wasn't the whole idea of joining the gym to lose weight? Maybe it was all the huffing and puffing I was still doing, or maybe it was because I felt like I just got hit by Harry's 1/2 ton pickup and got dragged 10 miles over Stoney Ridge.

My shoes felt like they were weighted down with cement.

I scarfed down an orange and poured a glass of water down my throat.

Thus ended my first day at the gym.

Biggest Loser. Ha!

I asked myself as I climbed into my rental car, how bad do I really want to win this?

The answer?

Not so much.

I'm just praying to be a Survivor.