By BOB URBAN

rurban@tnonline.com

Tomorrow's menu corned beef and cabbage with boiled potatoes. Maybe a Guinness or two to wash it down. Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone.

A small-town school district in Jordan, Minn. has come up with a unique idea following the Sandy Hook slayings.

They have set up satellite police offices in their schools, from which officers will work out of. Sounds like a great idea. When classes are in session, there will always be a police presence in the school building.

Dennis Rodman, the weird ex-NBA star, recently visited North Korea and told leader Kim-Jong that "You have a friend for life."

This is the same Kim-Jong who's starving his people and threatening to nuke the United States. Hate to see what Rodman's enemies would look like.

Thoughts you get when you're watching TV with your three-year-old grandson. What is Goofy?

I know that Mickey and Minnie are mice. Donald and Daisy are ducks. Pluto's a dog, but what is Goofy? He has ears like a dog, but the rest of him doesn't appear dog-like. Can anyone tell me? Until then I'll go along with whatever my grandson thinks he is.

I'm feeling old. I just read it's 44 years since the late great Mickey Mantle retired from baseball. Seems like only yesterday.

Fox Sports is launching in August a 24-hour sports channel. And we thought ESPN, ESPN 2 and all the other eight ESPN networks was overkill. Do we really need another 24-hour sports network?

Airline passengers will now be able to carry small knives and sports equipment on board. Aren't small knives capable of cutting people also?

Dick Yuengling, the owner of my favorite brewery, was recently designated as a billionaire by Forbes Magazine. He's one of only eight billionaires in the state of Pennsylvania, and he's reportedly worth $1.3 billion. I'd like to think, that over the last 50 years, that I have contributed significantly to his wealth.

Hess Corp. is getting out of the gas station business.

Does this mean that the model Hess trucks, so popular with kids and collectors, will become a thing of the past? Standing in line to purchase a green-and-white Hess truck has become a Christmas tradition.

If you're getting on in years, here's something that may come as a relief to you.

Did you ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

It turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses, and you're not necessarily getting senile.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a lank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that stupid door.

Finally, here's a funny story I just had to share with you.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency Landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However ..., the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment check for the IRS this quarter?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"