Dear Editor:

If you are like me, one area of frustration that comes is when I call my Bank, Credit Card Institution, or really, any call to someone, other than my family. You never talk to a LIVE person. When you are put on hold and are told "you will be connected to the next available agent." Now that could be anywhere from one minute to 30 minutes, you don't have a clue. It might be appropriate if they gave you a hold time or ask to leave a phone number for a call back, but that makes too much sense. Now I am retired and treasure my free time. But to hold the phone waiting to settle a dispute or ask a question is absurd. So I have developed by own answering system. They say imitation is the best form of flattery so here goes.

* Press * for English.

* Press 1 to make an appointment to call me.

* Press 2 to query for missing an appointment.

* Press 3 to transfer to my living room.

* Press 4 to transfer to my bedroom.

* Press 5 to transfer to my bathroom (I could be in the shower or on the hopper.)

* Press 6 to transfer to my mobile phone, I phone or I pad.

* Press 7 to leave a message on my computer. (You must have a password to enter my computer. That password should be nine characters long with lowercase and must include number and letters.)

* Press 8 to return to the main menu.

* Press 9 to make an inquiry on any item from 1 to 9 or to access the help desk.

* Press 10 to remind you to speak English.

When this may involve a lengthy wait, up lifting elevator music will play for the duration of the call. Sorry but I must levy a fee to cover the cost of this arrangement. And remember, Don't make old people angry. We don't like being old in the first place.

From the pen of Ken Treger, Lehighton