Today, here's some thoughts I've accumulated during the past week.

Stop trying to fit in when you were born to stand out.

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.

I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

Apologizing does not always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

If you haven't grown up by age 50, you don't have to.

You don't stop laughing because you get old, you get old because you stop laughing.

And, never pass up a good reason to just shut up.

And now, some araprosdokians, which are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. They're also frequently humorous.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

They begin the evening news with "Good Evening!", then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Buses stop at bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify" I put "doctor."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And, finally. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.