Today, some golf humor, and, no, it has nothing to do with my inept game, which is no laughing matter.
These, from a loyal reader.
* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
* If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
* Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* It's not a gimme if you're still away.
* The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
* You can hit a two acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two inch branch 90 percent of the time.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
* When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
* Hazards attract; fairways repel.
* A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
* If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
* A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
* A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.
* If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
* Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
* If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
* It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
Some added fairway humor:
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
The Funeral Mass was planned for the following day.