By BOB URBAN
We all live by rules. At least we should live by them. Someone sent me a list of the rules of rural Pennsylvania. See if you can relate to them.
1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-81 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only three weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appétit" article on them? Great, more for us!
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah ... we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It's not real chili.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how toshoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Steelers and Eagles. Sometimes they are a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards-it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta' there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard Pennsylvania has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to rule number three.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzardit's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You're not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.