Staff member Chris Parker emailed me this article about lawyers because she thought I would enjoy it since I cover the Carbon County courthouse. I found it so funny that I have to share it with you today. First the credits.
The following quotations are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" by Charles M. Sevilla. These are things people actually said in court, word for word. Enjoy.
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: The youngest so, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Attorney: How many were boys?
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Attorney: How was you first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And finally, the best:
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.